Triple Dog Dare
by crocious
Summary: Super awesome dare party at America's house! Multiple pairings and awesomeness await your eyes!
1. England

**Author's Note! I got slightly bored so I did what any well-adjusted college student does when she's got a mountain of homework to do and has absolutely no interest in the sociological implications of online dating. I wrote fanfiction.**

**Also, I feel you should know. I listened to cheatercheaterbestfriendeater nine times in a row while writing this. The only reason it took so long was because I invented several awesome dance moves too. I'm a busy lady.**

**If I owned Hetalia, America would take over the world and Iggy would eat burgers.**

**England goes first!**

"No."

"Come on, England!"

"No!"

"Dude, it's one dare!"

"God damn it, no, no, no, I am NOT streaking through the building!"

The countries all groaned and rolled their eyes.

"Iggy, dude," America reasoned. "If you don't do the first dare, France gets to take you into the closet for two minutes."

"WHAT? Who made that stupid bloody rule! That's a totally different game!" England was turning very, very red and Francis licked his lips.

"England-san," Japan said quietly. "If you take off your clothes, I promise I will look away."

England looked at all the nations on the floor. Francis was chuckling hungrily to himself and Poland absently braided Lithuania's hair. Italy was settling himself into a blushing Germany's lap while Spain tried to pull Romano into his, laughing. Prussia complained loudly about American beer and America laughed and gestured wildly, almost smacking an invisible Canada in the face with his bottle. Russia... Russia just was, okay? Don't make me tell you what he was doing.

England looked back at Japan, who placed a small white hand in front of his eyes. "It's not _you_ I'm worried about."

"Omigawd England, you're, like, a total party pooper!" Lithuania winced a little as Poland accidentally tugged his hair too tight.

"Really, _amigo_, is it that big a deal?"

"Just get it over with, dude!"

"Ve! Streaking is fun! You'll like it!"

"It's gotta be better than getting in the closet with France, kesesese!"

"Hey! I do not remember you complaining last Christmas, you Prussian fool!"

"I will take you to the closet, da? You will become one with Mother Russia?"

"GAH! STOP!" The nations quit chattering and looked up at England expectantly.

"I hereby invoke the writ of the Triple Dog Dare!" Everyone gasped as England pointed at France. "Francis P. Bonnefoy, on your honor I Triple Dog Dare you to spend two minutes in the closet with Russia!"

Francis went white.

"All in favor?" America asked authoritatively.

"Ja."

"Totally!"

"Ve!"

"Hai."

"Si!"

"Da."

"Yes?"

"Fuck. Sure."

"Yeah..."

"AWESOME!"

"All opposed?"

"Nay! Come on, don't make me go into the closet with Russia!"

"Francis Bonnefoy, the court rules ten to one in England's favor. Your two minutes starts when the door closes." America smacked his beer bottle against the hardwood floor like a gavel and the nations applauded politely and congratulated each other on a successful hearing.

Russia smiled sweetly and picked France up with one arm, slinging him over his broad shoulder. France cried tears of rugged bravery.

"Whew," England sighed. "That was close."

"Not quite," America said under his breath as everyone watched the screaming closet door. "I'm still gonna find a way to see that tattoo."

England gulped.

**Couldn't help it. Little bit of USUK for me :D**

**Leave comments about who should go next and I will ignore all but the coolest. Winners get hugs. Virtual hugs. Enjoy.**


	2. Italy

**Everyone, please welcome to the party miss mew-tsubaki, a brand new Hetalia fan as of tonight! This chapter is for her, a little Germita for you!**

**No one's reading yet. No worries, mew. They will come and welcome you ^_^**

**If I owned Hetalia, it would be Germita hentai.**

**Italy's next!**

"Italy," England said, nursing his brandy. "Truth or dare?"

Italy's eyes widened in surprise and he looked up at Germany.

"Ve?"

Germany sighed and whispered something in his ear.

"Hey! Like, no helping, Germany!" Poland was applying lip gloss to an unbelievably patient Lithuania.

"It's not helping if there are no wrong answers."

"Ve! Truth!"

England took a sip. "How much do you care for Germany?"

The nations giggled collectively and Germany blushed.

"More than pasta!" Italy grinned.

"Show us!"

Germany sent a venomous glare at his older brother who hid, cackling, behind a tired and bruised France.

Italy looked confused. "Show you? Okay..."

Italy stood up and stretched his arms out at his sides. "I love Doitsu~ _thiiiiiiiiiiis_ much!"

America laughed and mimicked Italy. "This much?"

"Ve?" Italy's eyes suddenly filled with tears. "America, your arms are so much longer than mine! But, I love Doitsu more than that!"

Germany blushed like a fool as Italy pulled him to his feet. Italy pushed Germany's arms up to stretch out. He did the same right next to Germany and grabbed his hand.

"I love Doitsu THIS much!" he said triumphantly.

Spain laughed. "Only twice as much as America?"

"WAH! No! I love him more than that! Um...!"

The nations snickered at Germany, who blushed as Italy ran, panicking, around the room,

"AH!" Italy finally shouted. "I love Doitsu from America's bedroom to the kitchen! Ve!"

"So," England said. "In short, you love Germany as much as Alfred loves his midnight snacks." America laughed loudly as Italy's eyes widened.

"No, no, I love him more that Alfred loves his burgers, ve!"

Germany laid a comforting hand on Italy's shoulders. "Feliciano... we get it. You can stop."

"No! Doitsu, I have to figure it out!" Italy paced back and forth, panicky. "To... New York? No... To Florida? No... To China? No..."

Everyone watched worriedly as the sweeter of the Italians seemed to go insane. Spain, Prussia and France started a game of Sticks as Italy murmured to himself. Germany stood uselessly in the center of the circle, blushing angrily.

Finally, "AHA!" Everyone jumped and looked at Italy. "I've got it! I love Doitsu all the way to the moon!" He rushed to the window and pointed outside to the pearly crescent hanging in the night sky. "Doitsu! I love you that much! See? See? Ve!"

Germany walked over to the window and stared at it for a long while. Finally, he murmured softly in Italy's ear.

"I love you to the moon... and back." Italy blushed and grinned.

"FUCKING POTATO BASTARD!"

"Language, Lovi! Language!"

"Oh, get a room, you two!"

"Seriously, I'm, like, gonna barf."

"So. Unawesome."

"I thought it was kawaii..."

"Yeah! Totally kiwi!"

"America, you bloody dolt."

Italy smiled and they sat back down.

**Tell me you guys don't remember that book with the bunnies. I used to read it to my little sister all the time ^_^**

**Don't forget to review an tell me who should go next! I can't wait to hear from you!**


	3. Poland and Lithuania

**Tehehehe! With two votes, a LietPol chapter was unanimous! This is for you, Mew and Imaxenigmax! **

**The Poland Rule is awesome. I've actually claimed it a few times because I'm third generation Polish, but it totally doesn't work because I'm American through and through :) That is what we call a "win."**

**If I owned Hetalia, Poland would be in every episode ever and Liet would habitually wear a bikini :P**

**Poland and Lithuania now!**

"Ve! Poland! Truth or dare?"

Poland stopped painting Lithuania's nails and looked at Italy. "Eh? Like, dare! Duh!" Lithuania sighed.

Italy looked distressed. "Ve! I'm no good at thinking of dares!"

"Make him chug a beer!"

"Make him sing that awful Eurovision entry!"

"Make him do the Macarena for ten minutes!"

"He'd love that, you idiot."

"It would still be funny!"

"Ve," Italy said. "I've got it! Poland, I dare you to make us some pizza!"

Even before Italy finished speaking, Poland had his pink Bedazzled phone out and was tapping furiously. He held the phone to his ear and ignored the stares, both confused and indignant.

"Hello, like, Pizza Man? Whatever. I want to order some pizzas! I dunno, like two or three? One with, like, everything because there's an American here. And, like, one with just cheese? Because Japan is totally boring, hahaha!"

Japan colored slightly and apologized for some reason.

"Oh! And, like, one with vegetables, because I'm, like, watching my figure. And probably another cheese only. British people aren't used to tasting things."

"HA!"

"Shut up, France!"

Poland waved at them to be quiet. "How much did you say? Oh, that's okay, Liet's paying anyway! Hahaha!"

Lithuania sighed. "It's true," he said.

"Okie dokie, I'll see you in, like, half an hour! Toodles!" Poland snapped his phone shut and looked at the gaping faces. "What?"

"Poland," England said. "That wasn't the dare."

"You fucking moron!"

"Calm down, Lovi, store bought pizza can be just as good!"

"Fuck you, Spain, what do you know!"

Poland shrugged. "Liet told me I'm not allowed to cook anymore."

"He tried to microwave soup and he set our kitchen on fire."

"Eh?" asked Prussia. "How'd he do that?"

"He forgot to add water."

America bust out laughing. "HAHAHA! Iggy, dude, that's worse than you!"

England bit his lip to keep from giggling.

Poland waved his hand as if it was no big deal. "It came in, like, a box and I totally didn't want to read the instructions."

"My grandma's _meduoliai _recipe was in that kitchen..."

"Yeah, and my hair got burnt so I had to cut it!"

Lithuania sighed and blew lightly on his nails to dry the hot pink paint.

"So it's, like, my turn, right? Liet, truth or dare?"

A peanut hit Lithuania in the head and he paused to wait for Prussia to stop laughing.

"I've been down this road before," he said finally. "I'm not doing your dares anymore. Truth."

"I TRUTH you to sing "C'est Ma Vie," like, right now!"

"That's not how the game works, Poland-san."

Poland rolled his eyes at Japan. "Fine. Liet, are you in love with someone?"

Everyone looked expectantly at Lithuania. Especially Russia. Russia stopped blinking entirely so he could look expectantly at Lithuania harder.

Lithuania blushed and mumbled something.

"What? Liet, we totally can't hear you!"

"...yes..."

"OHMIGAWD, like, who is it?"

Lithuania held up a single finger. "You only get one question per turn. It's my turn now."

"WHAAAT? Like, no way! I'm totally invoking the Poland Rule! It's my turn forever!"

"All in favor?" America interrupted.

"Like, it doesn't matter! It's the Poland rule, not the democracy rule! Liet, tell me who you're in love with!"

"No! The Poland Rule is ridiculous! I'm not doing it!"

"You totally don't even have a choice, Liet! Do I know them?"

"...yes..."

"Ohmigawd, it's not, like, Belarus, is it? She broke your hand, Liet!"

"She didn't mean to... but no, it's not."

"Like, good. She's super scary! Does everyone here know them?"

"I imagine they'd have to, Poland. They are countries."

Poland frowned a little. "So, like, are they in this room?"

Lithuania's face seemed to radiate heat all the way across the room. "...yes..."

"Omigawd omigawd omigawd omigawd, who is it? You HAVE to tell me now! Omigawd!"

Lithuania looked close to tears and America felt bad for his former maid. "Okay, Poland. It's Lithuania's turn now."

"Like, no way! Poland Rule forever! Liet, tell us! Tell us tell us tell us tell us!"

"Please stop talking, Poland."

"No way, Liet! You have to answer the question! Answer! Answer! Answer!"

"Poland..."

"Answer answer answer answer answer answer!"

"Oh my God, Poland, shut up!" Lithuania shocked Poland by grabbing his chin and pressing their glossed lips together.

It was a long moment before anyone moved. Japan and France felt the air around Russia freeze with the screams of a million Soviet soldiers in the wastelands of Siberia. They edged away.

Finally, Poland squeaked shyly and pulled away, blushing furiously. Lithuania smiled almost mischievously.

"Er," Poland said. "Your t-turn, Liet."

**Fail chapter is fail T_T **

**I love it when Poland gets all shy! It's totally adorable! **

**I'm totally late on the Eurovision bandwagon. We don't have it in America so I stumbled on it by accident. Denmark got totally gypped! Also, check out Switzerland, Norway, Spain and Iceland. In that order. I wish we had it here!**

**Rate and review, ducklings!**


	4. America and England

**Whew! Here we go! I have not the words as I'm conserving them for a perceived challenge, so just here.**

**Master Mew, I trust you will find your stuff is superior.**

**If I owned Hetalia, I would own Alfred Jones. And if I owned Alfred Jones, unspeakable things would happen.**

**America and Iggy are next!**

"America," Lithuania said. "Truth or dare?"

"Is that a joke? Dare, dude!" America let out a cocky laugh just as the doorbell rang.

"I dare you to pay for the pizza," Lithuania grinned slyly.

Poland laughed. "Liet! You're so smart!"

England snickered and nudged America in the side. America groaned and grabbed his wallet, walking to the door.

"Thank you, America!" France, Spain and Prussia called to him in unison.

"Screw you guys!"

They laughed. America walked back with four steaming boxes and set them in the middle of the floor. The nations set on them like wolves.

"Ohmigawd, great idea, Italy! I was, like, starving!"

"Ve! Thank you, America! It's so yummy!"

"Stores always fuck pizzas up."

Spain fastened his arms around Romano's waist and licked a little sauce off his cheek. "Really? I think they taste the same."

England looked around the room while Spain cried out in pain at Romano's sudden violent outburst. "America, where are your plates?"

"Mmf? Plates?"

England cried a little inside. "Plates. The flat round things you put food on so your hands don't get messy."

America looked down at his sauce-covered fingers and grinned. "Oops." He drew a line of tomato sauce down England's cheek. "Guess we'll all just have messy hands."

England slapped America's hand away. "How you manage to live like this, I'll never know."

America leaned back, munching on his pizza. "Lighten up, dude. Truth or dare?"

"What?"

"My turn. Ask you. You pick." America looked at Prussia and shared an eye roll.

"F-fine. Truth."

America grinned. "Where's the tattoo?"

"Wh-uh-HUH?" England choked on his pizza and turned red.

"You said you got a tattoo way back in the pirate days Where is it?"

"I-I'm not telling you _that!_"

"You have to. Rules of the game."

"That's true, England-san."

"Hey, that's right? How come I never saw it? Ow, Lovi, quit hitting me!"

"I never saw it either, _Angleterre._ Where on earth could it be?"

"I like pancakes..."

"Ve! Is it on your arm?"

"Er..." England blushed. "I invoke the writ of-"

"The writ can only be summoned once per night per country," America cut him off. "The justice system has spoken! Now tell us!"

"No!"

"England-san, it will be much easier if you simply answer. Other wise, America gets to-"

"I don't care! That's very private! I'm not answering!"

Nobody said anything. Finally, America chuckled.

"You heard him, people."

"Thank you, America."

"Francis, you have the timer?"

"Rigged just a little for revenge."

"Germany, mind if I borrow your handcuffs?"

Germany tossed them from his pocket and America caught them expertly.

"W-wait. What?"

"I don't make the rules, Iggy." America threw England over his shoulder like he was a sack of flour. "I just think them up and enforce them."

England shouted and screamed and pounded on America's back as he was carried to the closet, but the countries merely waved and smiled and shouted good luck to America.

America kicked the door shut behind him and grinned. He sat England against the door.

"Alright, Iggy," America said, dangling the handcuffs from one finger. "We can do this the easy way or the fun way."

England's eyes stung with tears."It's really embarrassing, Alfred! Please stop it!"

America sighed. "Why do you have to encourage me like that? Take off your shirt."

"What? No!"

"I have to start somewhere. Take it off!"

"No!"

"Iggy..."

England will never be able to adequately explain why the next thing happened the way it did. Maybe it was panic or frustration or temporary insanity, but he stopped America short by grabbing his face and kissing him like he was about to die.

America let out a muffled yelp of surprise, accidentally opening his mouth enough for England to slip his tongue inside. He fell back and England followed, dominating his mouth and pushing his back into the floor.

America finally got the hint and started kissing England back, tracing his thigh with a happy finger. England grabbed both his wrists roughly and pinned them over America's head. He moved down and sucked on America's neck and America moaned.

Click.

England sat up, straddling America's hips with a self-satisfied smirk. America moved to pull him down again, but he couldn't move his wrists. He looked up.

Shit.

"Hey, no fair! I need those handcuffs to look for your tattoo!"

"Alfred, darling, you really are an idiot sometimes." England took a pocketknife from his back pocket and America started panicking.

"What are you doing?"

"Relax, Alfred. I wouldn't need to do this if you wouldn't insist on wearing those awful T-shirts."

England placed one hand over America's mouth and used the other to calmly cut his shirt down the middle. America kicked and yelled through the England's hand, but England kept steady and cool, shushing him comfortingly.

When he'd finished, England opened America's shirt and let out a low whistle. "Oh my, someone's been working out."

"Knock it off, Iggy, let me go!"

"You always keep that obnoxious Sharpie marker in your front pocket, right? Don't move."

America felt England rustle around in his front pocket and bit back a moan.

"Here we are," England grinned, uncapping the blue marker/pen. He wrote something in very big letters on America's chest and stood up, waiting for the door to open. America sat up, his cuffed wrists pinching at his back.

"Let me go, seriously! No one can see that I let you write _that_ on me!"

"I don't make the rules, Alfred," England smirked, checking his watch. "I just think them up and enact them."

As if on cue, the door opened, revealing a creepy French grin.

The grin fell abruptly when he saw England standing up and smirking. "Angleterre? What did you do with OH MON DIEU!"

England strolled out triumphantly. "You simply don't underestimate an Empire. You just don't."

The rest of the party crowded the closet to see America cuffed in the corner, shirt ripped in half and the words "BRITISH COLONY" written in curly letters across his body.

**Yes, Iggy again. Poor Iggs. Lol!**

**Again, review and suggest, dear friends!**


	5. Japan

**Eheheh! Even when it's not about USUK, it's about USUK. Poor Japan. **

**Hello, Mew! You can put this chapter on your list!**

**Thank you also to Imaxenigmax, cat'akai, chocotaku and Lady Psychopath! I love getting reviews, they make my heart fall out of my chest!**

**If I owned Hetalia, Japan would be stuck in a perpetual state of badassery and I would squeal in happiness.**

**Japan's turn!**

"Japan-"

"HEY! I'M STILL IN HERE!"

"Japan, truth or-"

"GUYS, LET ME OUT!"

"Truth or-"

"NOT COOL! AT LEAST OPEN THE DOOR!"

England growled and got up to the closet. "America, shut the hell up!"

"Iggy, let me out, dude! Seriously! It stopped being funny half an hour ago!"

"You weren't in the closet half an hour ago."

"Yeah! It's so unfunny, it bent the space time continuum!"

England sighed and opened the door. He looked at America, shirtless and covered in marker. "You're such a nerd."

"Just let me out, dude. I'm hungry."

"Of course you are." England got the key from his pocket and bent down to unlock the handcuffs.

America rubbed his wrists and pouted. "You didn't have to do that, you know."

England kissed America's forehead. "Don't be a baby."

America reddened and stood up. "Screw you, Iggy! I'm a heroic Mister Awesome! And your food is terrible!"

England pointed to America's chest.

"You know," America grumbled. "Sealand was right. You are a jerk."

"And you _still_ can't get enough." England grinned and sashayed back to the circle. America shook his head in disbelief and followed, sitting next to him.

"Japan," England continued. "Truth or dare?"

Japan thought for a second. "I suppose I will have to say 'truth.'"

"What's with that freaky ass porn?"

"AMERICA! Sit down and don't ask such rude questions!"

Japan turned red.

"Well, come on! Tell me you weren't wondering that! It's all, like, teenage girls and old men and gross body fluids!"

"Hey," Prussia said. "I've always kind of wondered about that, too. Is that actually what Japanese people like?"

"Bruder, Japan's business is his own business."

Prussia rolled his eyes. "Psh. You would. You're a total perv too."

Germany colored brightly and Italy patted his cheek.

"Ve! It's okay, Germany. I don't care about your filthy depraved porn!"

"THAT WASN'T MINE! I WAS HOLDING IT FOR A FRIEND!"

"And Japan's your only other friend besides Italy because you're socially retarded," America reasoned. "Which brings us back to Japanese porn."

England hit America in the back of the head. "You idiot! You're making Japan self conscious!"

Japan stared at the floor and dug his fingers into his legs.

"What? Dude, anyone who's comfortable with showing girls puking on each other and calling it erotic can't be very shy about anything, right, Japan?"

"America, don't be vulgar. That was clearly faked. Like that awful girls and cup video."

"Two Girls One Cup? Dude. Iggy. That was real."

England laughed. "You poor idiot. You think everything is real, don't you?"

"No, seriously. That video was real."

"Nice try, it was not."

"England-san, it was real."

"See? Even Porn-Master-Alpha guy says it's real!"

England paused. "But... but then..."

"Yeah."

"But then... they really..."

"Uh-huh."

"They... _oh dear lord!_"

France facepalmed. "Here we go."

"You mean they actually... and in their mouths! Japan, what is wrong with you!"

Japan held up his hands. "No, England-san, that video wasn't mine..."

"That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my... oh, God, I think I might throw up!"

"Yeah!" America cut in helpfully. "And why are all your porn stars little girls?"

"They have families, Japan! And now their parents are going to see it because it's gone viral!"

"And baby play? What the hell is that?"

"Who considers that video erotic?"

Japan protested weakly. "No, England-san, that movie was made in Brazil."

"That's the most depraved thing I've ever seen in my life and now I learn that it was actually real? You need to put warnings on your videos!"

"And all your guys have such small dicks! Also, what's the deal with that doujinshi shit? And rape, for the record, is not erotic."

England opened his mouth but stopped himself. He looked at America.

"It bothers me how much you know about Japan's pornography."

America stuck his tongue out and blushed. "You're not my mom!"

Japan bit his lip. He looked close to tears. Italy ran over to hug him.

"Ve! Japan! Don't feel bad! I don't care if you _do_ fantasize about lesbians eating each others' poop!"

"That wasn't me," Japan said weakly.

"You're still the same nice Japan and I still think you're one of my best friends!"

"VENEZIANO! GET AWAY FROM THAT PERVERT!"

"Lovi, shh. Don't interrupt people when they're having a tender moment."

Japan blushed and hung his head. "I... abstain."

"CLOSET WITH IGGY TIME!"

"AMERICA! Shut up!"

"Hahaha!"

**Poor Japan. I couldn't give him a word edgewise! Ah, well. **

**Rate and review! Tell me what you think people should get dared to do!**


	6. Prussia

**Okay, so I had this weird moment today I felt had to be shared. My sister turned 18 (awesome, yo!) so we went out for her birthday. For some reason, and PLEASE don't ask me why because I don't understand that girl, she opted to go to a restaurant called O'Toole's for dinner. O'Toole's as in British Isles food. WTH? I knew what everyone was in for so I got some regular soup. Everyone else took one bite and made that face you see on people who make horrible decisions and don't realize until it's too late that it's going to take months for their hair to grow back. Because there is a lot the British Isles do right- language, literature, super sexy accents- but food is not one of them.**

**Can you believe there wasn't a single pasta dish on the menu? Cry!**

**If I owned Hetalia, Prussia would be naked. Always.**

**Prussia is now!**

Japan and England came out of the closet after exactly two minutes looking bored.

America forced a laugh. "You guys have fun?"

"Do try to keep the jealousy out of your voice, Alfred," England sighed as he sat down. "It's quite unbecoming."

"What? Don't be stupid, why would I be jealous, you damn li- OW!"

England twisted America's ear. ""Don't call me a limey, git."

"Don't call me a git, moron!"

"Don't call me a moron, yank!"

"Shut UP, both of you!" Prussia threw a handful of nuts at their heads. "Go in the bedroom and work out that sexual tension before we all murder you!"

The other nations grumbled in agreement.

"Fuck you, Prussia," America snapped. "You're, like, not even a country!"

"Screw you, you stupid American! Do I need to show you my five meters?"

"I don't think England would like that very much."

"WHO SAID THAT?"

Prussia laughed as England whipped his head around to find the offender. In fact, everyone did, except for Prussia and America, who rolled their eyes in anticipation of the show.

"There better not be a bloody ghost in here!"

"Omigawd, Liet, hold me!"

"Ghost-san? Come out, please."

"VE! Doitsu, I'm scared!"

"Italy, it won't hurt you."

"Lovi? You're hurting my hand. Please relax."

"I AM NOT!"

Prussia turned to Canada and grinned. "You told a joke."

Canada blushed. "Er...yeah."

"Awesome!"

"Okay!" England finally shouted. "We need to do a head count! There are thirteen people. I'm England."

"Guys, it's just Canada," America sighed.

"We're Liet and Poland!"

"We're Doitsu and Italy, ve!"

"Guys," Prussia said. "It's Canada."

"Spain, Romano, Russia," England ticked off. "Yankee, frog, Prussia, Japan... Oh my God, who's left?"

"I'm Canada!"

The nations jumped at the voice. "Who the hell are you?" yelled Germany.

"It's Canadia, dudes. It's my little brother."

"You jerks never remember me!"

"Canada?" said Poland. "Like, where's that?"

Canada sighed and sank his head into his knees.

"Just play the game," Canada mumbled through his legs.

"Okay!" Alfred said cheerfully. "Japan, it's your turn!"

"Oh," Japan said quietly. "H-hai. Um... Prussia? Truth or dare?"

"The Awesome Me chooses dare. I'm not scared of you! Kesesese!"

"I dare you to drink one alcoholic beverage from every country in the room."

Prussia laughed. "Dude, really? That's awesome!"

Japan shrugged. "Dares don't have to be unpleasant."

As the party was BYOB, everyone had brought some sort of drink, and Prussia set upon the nations like... well, like a lush on a few gallons of alcohol.

The first thing he went for was a case of Canadian brewskis sitting, neglected, in the kitchen. He smacked his lips and gave Canada a thumbs-up. "Moosehead, huh? Cool. Crisp. Light. Not bad, Matt."

Canada blushed. "Th-thank you."

"Do me next!" America cried.

"Your beer is piss."

"Hey!"

"West, toss me a Spaten, ja?"

Germany sighed. "You're going to get drunk, bruder. Ease up."

"Psh! You worry too much! I happen to be awesome, I won't get too drunk!" Prussia found a bottle and took a pull.

"Now _that,_" Prussia smacked his lips, "is an awesome beer. France?"

France stood up and proudly flourished a bottle of wine, which he presented as a 1989 _Chassagne Montrachet_ from Burgundy, with almond and honey-

Prussia ignored him completely and drank straight from the bottle.

France cried out. "You are doing it wrong! Such a prize, you idiot! You need to appreciate it pro-"

"It sucks. Who's next?"

France's looked horrified. "I am sorry, I must have misunderstood you."

Prussia smiled condescendingly. "Good try, Francis. But leave alcohol to the experts, ja? Something this gay just doesn't cut it for the real men."

France's eyes filled with tears as he stared at his wine.

"Oh, Prussia! Like, do us next!"

Prussia looked over at Poland. "'Us?'"

Poland produced a bottle of vodka. "Liet and I made this together, haha! It's called Starka!"

Prussia took the bottle. "Starka, huh? Isn't this that wedding vodka?"

Lithuania colored as Poland grinned obliviously. "It's totally good, try it!"

Prussia took a long drink and grimaced as the alcohol burned his throat.

"That's awesome!" he coughed. Poland squealed in delight. Prussia took another swig and Germany facepalmed.

Suddenly Prussia got very cold. "You will try mine next, da?" Russia leaned over Prussia's shoulder and presented a half-empty bottle of Stolichnaya vodka. "Vodka drew her first breath in the Mother Land. I trust you will find she is superior."

Trembling, Prussia took the bottle from the baby faced psychopath. "S-sure, Russia."

Prussia took a tiny sip. "Mmm," he said. "It's very good."

"You barely filled your mouth, da." Russia smiled sweetly. "And yet you drank a good deal of my little Liet's. Come, Prussia. How can you tell if it is superior if you do not taste it?"

Prussia gulped and looked around for help, but no one seemed eager to stop Russia from being creepy. The only nation not trembling in fear was painting his toenails to match Lithuania and was therefore too busy to intervene.

"O-okay," Prussia said. He took a large gulp of the vodka and suppressed a hiss as it screamed down his throat. "Yes, Russia, your vodka is the best."

"I don't believe you," Russia smiled. "You still drank a good deal more of the Starka."

Prussia grimaced and took another pull. "There. Are you happy?" He was beginning to get light-headed.

Russia clicked his tongue. "Now that just won't do, Prussia. Look how little you have left. You may as well finish the bottle, da?"

Prussia closed his eyes and downed the rest of the bottle in two gulps. He gasped and pushed the empty bottle back into Russia's hands. "There... there you go. Russia vodka is the best. Can I sit down yet?"

"_Nyet,_ Prussia," said Russia. "You have not yet completed your dare."

"But I'm getting all dizzy and shit..."

"You will complete the challenge," Russia said. "And then you will declare the best alcohol." Russia sat down and watched his former charge sweetly.

"O-okay," Prussia said, swaying on the spot. "Japan, watchoo got?"

Japan looked uncomfortable with providing more alcohol to a tipsy Prussia, but a freezing stare from Russia killed his protests in his throat.

"I-I brought Midori," Japan said nervously.

"HA! It's green," grinned Prussia with lidded eyes. "That means it's healthy!"

He took a swig and grimaced. "Ugh. Japan, you drink this shit?"

"America made it."

"Hey! It was your idea to make a melon liqueur, dude! Don't blame it on me!"

Prussia grinned and swayed. "It tastes like lesbian sunshine."

Germany stood up. "Alright. I think we should stop now before my stupid bruder hurts himself."

"Nooooo, I wanna taste Italy now!"

Germany smacked Prussia over the head. "Watch it, arsloch."

Prussia whined. "Geez, West, I meant what they brought. Git yer mind outta the gutter."

"Ve!" Italy, said, worried. "Are you sure big brother Prussia can handle it?"

"Psh! I ain't never met a alclohol I couldn't not unhandle. Kesesesese!"

Germany pinched the bridge of his nose. "I move we throw him in the closet for a bit."

"Agreed."

"Yeah."

"Good idea."

"No! I don't want him puking in my closet!"

England patted America on the shoulder. "You'll live."

Germany picked up his brother and roughly threw him in the closet.

"Da," grinned Russia. "This game is fun."

**As you may be able to tell, I myself am not an alcohol connoisseur. By no means. In fact, the only alcohol that doesn't get me drunk, like, immediately is crappy $5 tequila that's been at the bottom of the freezer for God knows how long. My tastes are hilariously white trash. So I used personal recommendations and German friends and online reviews to write this. Sorry!**

**I got a request for a PruCan chapter. Do not worry, duckling. It's coming.**

**I have a new, special affection for Liet. My hero, one mister Jon Stewart, is third gen Lithuanian/Latvian (but he's still all-American :D). **

**Rate and review, or I will be a saaaaad panda.**


	7. Canada and Prussia

**Oh, dear, these just keep getting longer, don't they? I'm a little worried, I don't know if I can keep up with myself...**

**Say what you will, but for some reason this is my favorite chapter so far. And I don't even ship PruCan! Maybe that's just how awesome I am, I can even convince myself a pair is excellent. Lol!**

**What do you think, Frostwhisker and Lady Psychopath? Did I do alright by the fangirls?**

**If I owned Hetalia, Canada would hang out with Alfred all the time and they'd have fantastic adventures of incredible brotherlyness.**

**Canada's turn!**

Germany tossed a surprisingly light Prussia into the closet and shut the door.

"Sleep it off, arsloch," Germany said.

He jumped when the door knob started jiggling of its own accord.

"G-Germany? The door's stuck. Could you let me out?"

"Who is that?" Germany demanded of the feeble, unfamiliar voice.

"It's Canada! I helped you carry Prussia in here and now the door's stuck! Let me out, eh?"

"Canada? How did you get in there?"

The door groaned in exasperation. "Just go get Alfred, please?"

Germany turned on his heel and went up to America, who was in the middle of a presumably hilarious story about France and a hotel room and champagne. Germany waited until everyone had stopped laughing at Francis and opened his mouth to speak.

"What's up, Germany?" Alfred said cheerily.

"I... I don't remember..."

…

Canada pressed his head against the door and moaned in exasperation. "Why doesn't anyone remember me..."

"I 'member you," said a very drunk voice behind him.

Canada turned around and looked at Prussia. "You should go to sleep, hoser. Sober up a bit."

Prussia sat up and giggled. "You're not my mom."

Canada sighed. "The one time I let Alfred play with my phone. Of course I get locked in a closet."

"Germy took mine when I tried to tex' Specs a pitchur of mah balls."

"Why would you text Austria a picture of your balls?"

"Inti... intimuh... timuhdaysh... cuz I'm awesome." Prussia dissolved into a fit of giggles. Canada smiled slightly.

"So we're stuck in here until you sober up and Germany opens the door." There was a sudden swell of laughter from the living room and Canada sighed in frustration.

"Cuh' be worse," Prussia said.

"Yeah," Canada smiled warmly. "At least you know who I am."

"Thad I does."

"Why is that, by the way?"

Prussia held his finger to his lips the way only drunk people can and shushed loudly. "'sa secret."

"Maybe you should try to sleep, Gilbert. You might sober up a bit."

"Ahm not as think as you drunk I be. I'm frine." Again with the giggles. Canada sighed longingly. Oh, how he wished he could be that drunk right now.

As if reading his mind, Prussia pulled a pair of beers from his pocket and tossed one to Canada, who caught it gratefully.

"Of all the drinks, you stole _Mooseheads_?"

Prussia scooted closer to Canada. "I really, really like your beer."

Canada clinked his bottle against Prussia's and smiled. "Thanks, dude. That means a lot."

"_No_," Prussia insisted as only drunk people can. "No, you don't get it. I REALLY like your beer."

"Again, thank you. From you, that means a lot."

"No, Cananada. Dude. I want to drink your beer. Like, all the time. Because iz cool and sweet and subtle and awezome and shooper cute when it getz embarrassed-"

"Huh?"

"And when I see yer beer I get bubbly drunk wifout even drinking it. So I'd really like to drink yer beer, pleaze, cuz I think that'll be even more awezome."

Canada pointed to the green bottle in Prussia's hand. "You've already got some."

Prussia looked at the half full bottle and laughed until his eyes watered. Canada patiently watched him as he fell onto his back laughing and crying, holding his stomach.

"Man," Prussia said after his giggles had nearly died down. "You really _are_ Alfred's bruder, huh? Hahahahaha!"

"Hey, wh-what's that supposed to mean?" Canada's face grew red.

"Let's play a game," Prussia grinned, changing the subject.

Canada sighed. "Like what?"

"Like, truth or dare, but more awesomer. Like, _strip_ truth or dare! Hahaha!"

Canada made a face. "Fair warning, eh? I'm not answering any of your dares if they're gonna be like that."

Prussia grinned and finished his beer in a gulp. "The rulesh are... okay, when you ansher a truth, you gotta take off a piece of clothesh."

"So even if you answer truth, it's still a dare?"

"Haha! Yeah!" Prussia twirled the bottle around in his fingers and stared at it bemusedly. "And... you gotta shpin this bottle! And whoever it lands on you gotta truth or dare 'em."

"There's only two of us, Gilbert. Is that step necessary?"

"Shh, yesh." Gilbert giggled. "I'm making it aweshome."

Canada smiled nervously. "You're drunk. Maybe you should just go to sleep, eh? You'll be better when you wake up."

"No!" Prussia panicked. "No, I really really wanna have your beer!"

Canada ducked as Prussia flailed his arms around in panic. "Gilbert, you realize that you can have my beer anytime, right?"

Prussia shook his head sadly and huddled his knees. "You don't understand... you don't understand."

Canada sighed and looked at the door. Everyone was laughing on the other side.

"Okay, let's play."

Prussia perked up and smiled ear to ear. "Awesome!"

"So who goes first?"

Prussia set the bottle between them and spun it clumsily. It faced Canada straight on.

Canada opened his mouth to speak, but he was interrupted by a clumsy drunk tongue. Canada squeaked in his panic and pushed Prussia away. "What was that?"

"We're playing Strip-the-Bottle-Truth-or-Dare," Prussia grinned happily. "Pay attention, Mattie."

"So you _kiss_ me?"

"Yeah, dummy. Truth or dare?"

Canada shook his head violently and tried to keep up. "I have to take off a piece of clothing if I say 'truth,' right?"

"Yessir."

"Okay," Matt breathed. "Dare."

"I dare you to take off yer shirt."

"What?" Matt cried. "But I didn't say truth!"

"Right," Prussia explained patiently. "You said dare. And I dared you to take off yer shirt. And now you gotta."

Canada grumbled and unbuttoned his shirt. "If I had said 'truth' I'd at least get to take off a sock or something."

"But you didn't," Prussia pointed out. "You said dare."

"Yeah, yeah," Canada said, shrugging out of his flannel shirt but keeping his wife-beater. "Truth or dare?"

"Nu-uh," Prussia grinned. "You gotta shpin to see who you're truth or daring."

"I'm talking to you!"

"Rulez is rules, Matt."

Canada groaned and spun the bottle. It faced him again, but Prussia deemed this unacceptable.

"No, you can't truth or dare yourself. You gotta spin again."

"I was gonna anyway!" This time the neck of the bottle faced Prussia.

"Prussia, truth or-"

"Matt! You forgot the rules!"

Canada sighed and leaned over to give Prussia a light peck on the lips. Prussia grinned so wide Matt thought he might split his face.

"Truth or dare, hoser?"

"Truth." Before the word had even passed Prussia's lips, his shirt was off.

Matt blushed at his pale muscles and fumbled to find a good 'truth' without staring. "Uh, um," he said. "What's your favorite song?"

Prussia shook his head and sighed. "No, those are no fun. What do you _really _wanna know? I gotta answer, so you should take advantage of it."

"But you're drunk!" Canada sputtered. "That's not ethical!"

"Psh, that makes it more fun! Ask something cool!"

Canada looked Prussia in the eye. "Why do you remember me when no one else does?"

Prussia shrugged. "Cuz I like you," he said simply.

Canada sputtered. "What? What do you mean?"

"Ah-ah," Prussia said. "One queschun per turn."

Prussia spun the bottle and let his lips linger on Canada's for a few seconds. "Truth or dare?"

Canada blushed. "T-truth..." He pulled a sock off his foot.

"Do you like me?"

"Well, that is, how do you define-"

"It's a simple question, Mattie."

"Well, then, yeah, I suppose."

Gilbert sat back down and grinned as Matt spun the bottle. When Canada pressed his lips against his, Prussia opened his mouth slightly to kiss him properly. Matt's throat squeaked.

"T-truth or dare?"

"Truth." Prussia undid his belt.

"When you say you like me..."

"It means I think you're an awesome guy and I like being around you." Gilbert's voice was suspiciously lucid. "I like pretty much everything about you and I wish I could be around you all the time."

"You're not-"

Prussia shushed him and spun the green bottle, not waiting for it to stop before pulling Canada into a sweet kiss. He grinned as he felt the others' lips open to kiss him better.

"Truth or dare?"

"Truth." Canada pulled off his other sock sheepishly.

"Why don't you believe me?"

Canada blushed. "People say stupid things when they're drunk. Dumb things they regret."

Prussia stared hard at Canada and handed him the bottle.

Canada spun it, bewildered, and leaned over it to kiss Prussia. He rested a timid hand on Prussia's neck for better purchase and Prussia grinned wildly, pulling the nation into his lap.

When Canada yelped in surprise, Prussia slipped his tongue into his mouth, sucking him in deeper and deeper. The corners of Canada's lips twitched and he replied hungrily, tasting every part of Prussia's mouth he could reach. Canada threw his arms around Prussia's neck and straddled his lap as Prussia slipped his hand under the wife-beater and let his fingers trail across Canada's stomach.

They pulled away, gasping. "Ask," Gilbert demanded.

Canada buried his fingers in Prussia's soft white hair. "Are you drunk?"

"Not even a little." They pulled to each other, knocking Canada's glasses off in their savage urgency to be kissing again. Prussia pushed Canada backwards to the floor and pulled his wife-beater over his stomach. They bit and licked and sucked, anything to sate their hunger. And no matter how much they touched and caressed and kissed, there was an enormous word screaming through both their minds: "MORE."

Gilbert broke off and kissed Matt's collarbone. Matt moaned.

"Truth or dare?" Prussia asked, muffled against Canada's skin.

"Oh my GOD, dare." Canada arched his back in pleasure and Prussia met his lips again, smiling happily.

And then the door opened.

Shocked, Prussia and Canada looked up to see Russia carrying Spain under his arm. The men stared at each other.

"Hey, Toni."

"Hey, Gil. Who's that?"

"I'm Canada."

"What are you doing, Toni?"

"Long story. What are you doing?"

"Short story. Russia?"

"Da?"

"Why's Spain crying?"

"Why are you half-naked?"

"Fair point."

"Maple."

**Next chapter will explain what everyone was doing while Canada and Prussia were locked in the closet. **

**Dude, like, let me know if I did okay on this? I don't want a screwed up sense of awesome, (READ: I'm a needy, insecure little authoress who thrives on feedback like Mr China in a Hello Kitty store.)**


	8. Spain and Russia

**So... very... long... haha. **

**OMG! So I'm, like, TOO American! I was watching Epic Mealtime with my sister and my nose suddenly started bleeding FOR NO REASON AT ALL! She looked at me all, like, "Really, dude?" And all I could say was "That's a really awesome looking burger..." It was super embarrassing, lol!**

**If I owned Hetalia, Spain would sing all the time with his sexy Spanish accent!**

**Spain and Russia's turns!**

Germany and some dude picked Prussia off his drunk ass and threw him in the closet. America grinned and looked around the circle to share a laugh with someone.

There were no takers.

America frowned slightly and looked from terrified face to gloomy face to gloss-applying face and felt the party dying. Goddamn Russia and his stupid ability to paralyze everyone around him with fear.

Unacceptable.

"Hey," Alfred said to the silent group in an effort to save the party. "What's IMF stand for?"

"International Monetary Fund," England said, bored. "Why?"

"Jay dubs. Wasn't that Francis' excuse for being in New York the other week?"

England let out an involuntary snicker and France blushed.

"Ve?" Italy cocked his head. "What happened in New York?"

"Dude, you didn't hear? It was all over the news!"

"All over _your_ news, Alfred," England said. "Not everybody pays attention to what's going on in your country. The only reason I know is because I was there."

"You know," Francis said. "We really do not have to tell this story tonight."

"Nah, I wanna hear," Spain grinned. "If it's Francis, it's gotta be good. Right, France?"

"Or at all, if you'd prefer."

Alfred had his audience and he grinned. "So I was walking back to my hotel room..."

…

Germany walked back to the party looking confused. He waited patiently for everyone to stop laughing and Alfred to finish. Even England was laughing, punching Alfred in the shoulder playfully. Probably a good story. Only France refused to laugh, growing redder and redder with every word.

"And then he tells me," Arthur chuckled, "that _Europe_ is the weird one! So I said 'Lady Gaga...'"

"So I was like, 'Touche, douchebag!'" Alfred finished. The countries let out a fresh wave of laughter and a couple "whoop-whoop"s in France's direction. France blushed even harder.

"It's not funny," he cried.

Italy smiled and tried to give Big Brother France a hug to make him feel better, but Romano wouldn't let go of his wrist. Italy contented himself with smiling genially as Romano sent daggers through his eyes at the Frenchman.

Alfred laughed and looked up. "What's up, Germany?" he said cheerily.

Germany opened and closed his mouth a few times, confused.

"I... I don't remember," he said finally.

"Haha! You're getting old, huh, Germs?"

"Must be." Germany sat down. Italy tried to climb into his lap, but Romano _still_ wouldn't let go of his wrist.

"Ve? _Fratello?_ Is everything okay?"

"Perverts..." Romano muttered. "There's perverts... everywhere..."

"Daw!" Spain squeed happily and threw his arms around Romano's neck. "Lovi, you're just so _cute!_"

"AND YOU'RE THE WORST OF THEM ALL!" Romano tried to headbutt Spain, but Antonio was used to this and dodged him, laughing.

"Germany," England said, concerned. "Is your brother going to be alright in the closet?"

A momentary flash of realization painted Germany's face, but it faded just as quickly as it had come. "I'm sure he'll be fine. He can actually handle a lot more than what he had. I'm sure he's just pretending to be drunk for attention."

Spain grinned and rubbed his freshly bruised nose. "It's true. Gilbert is legendary for drinking everyone under the table when we all go out, right, Francis?"

"_Oui._ Remember last Christmas?"

"How could I forget? I still can't get the stains out!"

They laughed and clinked their glasses together. England shook his head.

"So you threw him in the closet?"

"Of course," Germany shrugged. "I recognized that look. He was about to do something very stupid. I put him in the closet until he acts his age. It should only take a few minutes, Gilbert is very easily bored."

America grinned and got bored. "Truth or dare, Spain?" he changed the subject.

"Eh?" Spain said. "Isn't it Prussia's turn?"

"He's in the drunk tank. All in favor I take over?"

"..."

"All opposed?"

"..."

"One in favor and ten abstaining. I win!"

England froze and did a little mental math. "Eleven... plus Prussia... that doesn't seem right..."

"Huh?" America smiled. "You alright there, old man?"

"I could have sworn..." England stopped himself and glared at America. "Don't call me old."

"Stop being super old! Hahaha!"

Spain grinned. "Dare!"

America smiled slyly. "Have you ever heard of Epic Mealtime?"

"Eh?"

Arthur closed his eyes and shook his head slowly. "Alfred, no."

"Come on, Iggs, I bet he could do it, too!"

Poland squealed. "Ugh, yuck! That's like, so gross!"

Lithuania looked at Poland. "What's Epic Mealtime?"

"Omigawd, it's this totally disgusting internet show America made with, like, super hot guys eating a hundred thousand calories worth of bacon and getting totally drunk!"

"It's awesome," America laughed. "I _wish_ I'd made it!"

"But you did," Arthur said.

"Nah, I've never been drunk enough to forget about something that epic! That was..." Alfred's face went blank as he tried to remember who sent him the video. "Actually, I can't remember who made it. How weird is that?"

England sighed. "Pick something else."

"Thanks, Arthur," Spain sighed in relief.

"We'll discuss your payment later." England's eyes glinted and the corners of his mouth twitched.

Spain gulped as Alfred thought.

"Ah!" America said finally. "Got it! I dare you to get Romano to smile!"

"WHAT!"

Italy grinned at his furious brother and patted his cheek. "Ve! What a nice dare, America!"

Spain brightened. "Okay!"

"No, fuck that! Don't I get a say?"

Spain sat in front of Romano and grinned. "Nope! Smile, please!"

"NO!"

Japan discreetly pulled out his video phone and recorded them.

"Honey, if you love me-"

"I DON'T LOVE YOU!"

"-won't you please, please smile?"

"Tomato bastard!"

Spain grinned. "Whenever you say that, I know you mean you love me."

"NO I DON'T!"

"Yes you do."

"NO I DON'T!"

"You just can't help it when you hear my sexy Spanish accent."

"Your accent is stupid!"

"_Mi querida tomate,_" Spain grinned. "Blush a little more, you're almost the perfect color."

"What?"

"Almost ripe enough that I can just eat you up!" Spain laughed and Romano tried to hit him, but Germany and Italy had pinned his wrists at his sides.

"Veneziano, you traitor!" Romano screamed. "Let me go!"

"Ve! Smile for Spain and we can!"

"NO!"

Fearing no violence, Spain leaned in to pinch Romano's cheek. "You're so cute, Lovino! It makes me want to kiss you on the nose!"

"DON'T KISS ME!"

Spain kissed him on the nose.

Romano screamed. "GET AWAY FROM ME, BASTARD!" Romano almost threw Italy off his arm, but Germany helped him keep his wrist on the ground.

"And you're so cute," Spain continued happily, "that I want to kiss you on the cheek!"

"DON'T KISS ME, MORON!"

Spain kissed him on the cheek.

"GAH!"

The wall pounded suddenly. "_Que esta pasando?_" came a muffled woman's voice on the other side. "_Voy a llamar a la policia!_"

America groaned unhappily. "Mexican neighbors _suuuuuuck_!"

Spain called back to her. "_El Italiano niega que el me ama!_"

There was silence. Then a heavily accented voice called into the room. "Alfred? Are you having another party?"

"You're not invited, Maria! Go away!"

"Asshole!"

"Jerk!"

"Keep it down!"

"No!"

"Fine!"

Francis turned to Alfred, worried. "What if she does call the police?"

Alfred shrugged. "I _am_ her police. No worries." He turned back to watch Spain playing with Romano's curl as Romano fumed silently.

"_Mi lindo,_" Spain grinned. "This would be easier if you stopped denying you love me."

"Shut up! I'm not denying I love you!"

"Ah! So you do?"

"NO!"

"That sounds like a denial to me, Lovino! Haha!"

"I'm gonna kill you!"

"Tell you what." Spain pulled something out of his shirt pocket. "If you tell Senor Tortuga how you feel, I will believe you."

"How long has that turtle been in your pocket?"

"Go ahead, Lovi. Talk to my turtle!"

"NO!"

"'But Lovino,'" Spain held the turtle to Romano's face and pretended it was talking. "'It's real simple. Just say how you feel and Antonio will leave you alone!' Gee, Senor Tortuga, that sounds like great logic! Haha!"

"You're so stupid!"

"'What's that, Lovino? As a turtle, I cannot hear you unless you are speaking true emotions.' You heard the turtle, Lovi, hurry up."

"Fine! I hate it when Spain does stupid things like this!"

"'So close, Lovino, you're almost there!'"

"I don't l-"

"MUAH!" Spain pressed Senor Tortuga's turtle lips to Romano's Italian lips.

"Bleck!" Romano yelled. "Stop it!"

"Stop what?"

"I don't l-"

"MUAH!"

"I don't l-"

"MUAH!"

"I don't-"

"MUAH!"

"STOP IT!"

Japan discreetly zoomed in to Romano's face when he saw a twitch in the corner of his lips.

"'I am so sorry, Lovino,'" Spain said in his turtle voice. "'But as I am a turtle, I cannot help myself when I see a cute little _tomate_. Muah! Muah! Muah!'"

"Knock it off, Spain!"

"I'm not doing anything! 'Muah muah muah!'"

Romano tried to keep it down, but the smile grabbed hold of his face like an adorable magnet. "I'm serious, you're such a fucking idiot!" Romano's voice cracked.

"I'm sorry, Lovi, Senor Tortuga must be a romance turtle! I can't stop him! 'Muah, muah, _mi amor_, muah!"

Romano suddenly laughed like the Hoover Dam exploding. And once he started, he couldn't stop. Germany and Italy let go of Romano in shock and he held his stomach, curling onto his side and convulsing in uncontrollable laughter as Spain grinned and poked him with his turtle. Romano let out a fresh wave of laughter and half cried.

"Ow, hahahaha! It, hahaha haha! It, haha, hurts! HAHAHAHA! SENOR TORTUGA! HAHAHA!"

Everyone looked at Spain in awe.

"Ve! Spain! Is he okay?"

"Omigawd, is he, like, _laughing?_"

"I didn't know Romano _could_ laugh!"

"That is _tres adorable_! I want one!"

"SPAIN, hahaha ha haha! You fucking asshole, hahaha!"

Spain cuddled Senor Tortuga triumphantly and waited for Romano to calm down. When the laughter died into exhausted and choked gasps for air, Spain smiled. "Been a while?"

"I hate you."

"You love me, you adorable tomato cutie. OW!"

Romano punched him in the shoulder and sat up, blushing.

Italy touched his arm timidly. "Ve? Are you-"

"LET'S JUST MOVE ON!"

Spain grinned and rubbed his arm. "Okie dokes! Russia? Truth or dare?"

The room went cold and silent. Russia smiled sweetly.

"Antonio, a-are you sure?" Francis whispered.

"He's part of the party too, Francis! Russia?"

"Da," Russia smiled. "Truth."

"Something simple," France whispered fearfully. "Don't make him mad."

"Fine, dude. Russia, what's your favorite song?"

Russia smiled. "I abstain."

"...what?"

"I abstain. I suppose I will have to spend two minutes in the closet with Little Spain, da?"

"What? No! Just answer!" Antonio panicked.

"I choose not to. Come, Little Spain! Become one with Mother Russia, da!"

"No! No, help! We don't have to go into the closet, Russia, you're exempt!"

Russia picked Spain up and carried him to the closet. "Do not worry, little one, it will be nice."

Spain cried silently and Russia opened the closet door.

He stepped back in surprise when he saw a half clothed Prussia making out with someone on the floor. They looked at each other.

"Hey, Toni," Prussia said.

"Hey, Gil. Who's that?"

"I'm Canada."

"What are you doing, Toni?"

"Long story. What are you doing?"

"Short story. Russia?

"Da?"

"Why is Spain crying?"

"Why are you half naked?"

"Fair point."

"Maple."

"What?" America yelled. "Why's Prussia naked in my closet!"

"None of your business, stupid!"

"Of course it's my- Oh, hey, bro, when did you get here AND WE'RE BACK TO THE NAKED. What's going on, get off of Canada!"

"Oh, right," England mused. "_Canada_ made Epic Mealtime."

"Like, who's Canada?"

**Staggery ending. Heh. **

**The story about France is "Quel Beau Cul," a little parody I wrote about Strauss-Kahn in New York. I tried to link it, but I'm new at technology. So it's just FYI.**

**Lotsa Spanish from the Googles. They mean these:**

_**Mi querida tomate:**_** My darling tomato**

_**Que esta pasando?**_**_Voy a llamar a la policia!_: What's happening? I'll call the police!**

_**El Italiano niega que el me ama!**_**: The Italian denies that he loves me!**

_**Mi lindo**_**: My cutie**

**Go ahead and correct me. I'm going to ignore you.**

**Love forever and ever!**


	9. Romano

**So this was going to be a while because I accidentally overdosed on cheesy love songs and talking puppies on the internet and contracted cute herpes, so I couldn't even move without giggling. This is not okay in the real world. But today my sociology group spent literally half an hour screaming at each other over whether SOME socially deviant behavior is harmful to society or MOST socially deviant behavior is harmful to society. It was decidedly uncute and I'm now, regretfully, cured.**

**So I'm gonna listen to some Never Shout Never and look at whistling puppies while I write this to try and get my herps back. Lol! It might even cure my crippling writer's block.**

**If I owned Hetalia, Romano would declare his eternal love for Spain and quit making him sweat already! Gaw!**

**Romano's turn!**

You know that feeling you get when you accidentally walk in on your little brother, someone you had changed and played with and called annoying and put makeup on just to see if he'd let you, suddenly making out with the neighbor kid who liked starting small fires on the playground? A sort of helpless, crippling feeling that your baby brother is grown up now, and nothing you say or do at this point is going to bring back the happy, carefree and toothless freckled grin he used to beam your way every day?

Alfred didn't have that.

You know that feeling you get when you walk by your favorite cupcake restaurant and you find that overnight it had been replaced by a grown-up food restaurant?

That's probably closer to what Alfred had.

"Prussia," America said slowly to the half-naked figure on top of his little brother. "What are you doing to Canada?"

Prussia looked from America to Canada and back. "Um... kissing him?"

"Why?"

"Er... because I like him?"

Canada rolled his eyes and sighed. "People can like me, Alfred."

"I know," America snapped back. "It's just weird. I never even thought of you as having lips."

"Well, I do."

"Clearly. So... you guys gonna get off the floor sometime soon?"

"Sure thing."

At this point Spain, the lovely little man under Russia's arm, spoke up hopefully.

"So, Prussia, it's definitely your turn for truth or dare!"

Prussia looked up at his friend. "Huh? But I thought Russia OH YEAH, okay!"

Russia frowned. "Da? But we were going to-"

"Sorry, Russia, it's my turn. Rules are rules."

Antonio nearly wept in happiness as Russia set him on the floor. "Thank you," he mouthed to his Bad Touch Buddy. Prussia gave him a thumbs-up.

"Everyone get comfy, I have awesome, awesome ideas!" The nations gravitated back to the living room, leaving Canada sitting on the floor. He sighed. Delusions have to end at some point, right?

Canada finally looked back up and jumped.

Two inches from his face were Prussia's outstretched hand and a grin that could melt the Yukon. He blushed.

"Come on, slowpoke," Prussia said.

"Really?"

Prussia hoisted Canada up and pulled him into a brief kiss. "At some point that self esteem thing is gonna start being annoying."

"Sorry."

"_Mein Gott_ you're cute." Prussia grinned and kissed him again.

Matt kept blushing as Gilbert grabbed his hand and pulled him to the living room, declaring loudly that because his awesome self was now in charge, this party was about to get weird.

No one would have been worried if he had blinked a little more and didn't say it like "_weeeird._" But he did, and they were worried.

"Romano, buddy! Truth or dare!"

"I AM NOT!"

"...what?"

The nations snickered as Romano went red, realizing what just came out of his mouth.

"You aren't what?"

"Nothing!"

"You aren't what?"

"Fuck off!"

"Seriously, what aren't you?"

"FUCK YOU, PRUSSIA!"

Spain tugged a lock of Romano's hair and sighed. "If you're going to swear, please at least do it in Spanish."

"Idiot bastard."

Prussia grinned and winked at Spain. "So, truth or dare, dude?"

"Truth."

"What aren't y-"

"DARE I MEANT DARE!"

Prussia laughed as Spain stared bemusedly at Romano. "Now I really wanna know what it is," Spain said.

"I said dare, and that's that."

"Okay, I d-"

"And you can't dare me to answer a truth, that's idiotic!"

"Okay, I dare you to-"

"And nothing with the tomato bastard with the turtle!"

Prussia grinned and looked at Spain. "Awww," he said. "You brought Senor Tortuga?"

Spain smiled and held him up proudly. Senor Tortuga was indifferent.

"Romano, I dare you to-"

"I'm not doing anything with the damn turtle!"

"Then-"

"And I'm not singing!"

"Well-"

"Not dancing either!"

"How about-"

"And nothing with your stupid potatoey bastard drinking games!"

"OH MEIN GOTT, ROMANO! SHUT UP!"

Romano stuck out his tongue angrily and Spain laughed and pinched his cheek.

"He's so cute, isn't he, Gil?"

"He is such a pain in the ass! No wonder Austria wouldn't trade Italians with you!"

Spain covered Romano's mouth before anything obscene came out. "I wouldn't trade- Romano, stop biting my hand- I wouldn't trade Romano if Specs threw in half of Europe and a pizza. No offense, Feli."

"Ve!"

Romano grew red and let go of Spain's hand, shrinking sheepishly into himself. Antonio sucked on the bitten finger happily.

"Okay," Prussia groaned. "Dare. But no talking, no Spain, no Senor Tortuga, no singing or dancing and no drinking. Right?"

"Right."

"Hmm..." Romano looked triumphant as Prussia pondered for a minute. Canada timidly touched his arm, worried that his eyes were blazing in a sort of demented concentration no one had ever seen on his face.

"AHA!" he shouted suddenly, accidentally throwing Canada off his balance. "Got it! And you definitely have to do this one or else!"

"Or else what?"

"Or else closet time. And I'm super unpleasant, right, Matt?"

Canada blushed at the wink. "The worst." He bit a giggle down. "I pretty much wish you were dead."

"Ouch," Prussia grinned. "That hurts my soul. Ready, Romano?"

"Fine."

"I dare you... to let Poland dress you!"

Poland let out a manly squeal of glee and Romano's head hit the floor with a loud thunk.

"I'm not doing that."

"Fine, let's go to the closet. Hey, Toni told me something interesting about your curl-"

"I HATE ALL YOU STUPID POTATO BASTARDS!"

"Omigawd, Romano, I have the most adorable blouse for you! It will totally match your eyes!"

Lithuania looked at Poland. "I told you to leave all your clothes at the hotel."

"Pshaw, Liet, I only brought a few outfits!"

"To a party?"

"Yes! Omigawd, why is this so hard for you?"

"NO, no, no, no, NO! No way!"

"Ve, but brother-"

"No way, not a chance, I'll die first!"

Prussia grinned evilly. "You're Italian. Do you really think you can withstand my torture? I'm gonna find out exactly what you don't think you are and tell everyone or you're gonna suck it up for sixty measly seconds and let our Studmuffin here put clothes on you."

Romano shuddered. "I'm not afraid of y-OW I CRIED WATCHING DEAD POET'S SOCIETY!"

Prussia grinned and tugged Romano's curl again, pleased with himself. "Oh, I'm gonna have fun with this."

Italy panicked. "Romano, just do it, ve? It's better than Mister Prussia finding out you-"

"FINE! Come on, you fucking Polish bastard!" Romano stormed off to the bathroom and Poland squealed, grabbing his (understandably) large "man" purse.

"Omigawd, I'm gonna make you look fabulous!"

"You better not!"

…

A few minutes later, Poland waltzed out of the bathroom, positively beaming.

"You. Are going to lose it," he grinned at Spain.

"You were in there a while," Spain said, worried. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, fine. He bit me a few times and I broke a nail trying to hold him down, but it was totally worth it! Right, Romano?"

The bathroom door swore at the Pollack.

"Like, you'd better not take that off, or I will totally make Warsaw your capital!"

"FUCKING CROSS DRESSING BASTARD!"

"I mean it, Lovino!" Poland shook his finger at the door even though the door didn't have eyes and couldn't feel properly admonished. "If you come out wearing anything but what I put on you, I'm definitely going to drag you back in and make you wear makeup too! Now come out!"

"NO!"

"Ve?" Italy knocked lightly on the door. "Brother? Come out for thirty seconds, okay? Then we can all move on and have fun!"

"I look so stupid!"

Poland scoffed. "Let me tell you, honey. You look better in that outfit tonight than you ever did in those dumpy military uniforms."

The door thudded as Romano's head hit it. "I hate you, Polski."

"Just come out, Lovi," Spain called. "It's like a band-aid. You have to rip it off all at once so it doesn't hurt as bad!"

"I kept telling you, idiot, it hurts whether it's slow or fast!"

"That's what she said," America murmured to England.

"The band-aids?"

"Yes, moron, the band-aids! But you never listened to me when I was a kid, did you?"

"You're making this harder than it has to be, Lovi."

"Fuck you!"

Spain sighed and pushed Poland aside lightly. He knocked on the bathroom door. "Come on, Lovino, let's just see and get it over with, okay?"

"No!"

"I'm sure Poland made you look incredible, just laugh it off and come out."

"NO!"

"Fine." Spain sighed and leaned his head against the door. He murmured so only Romano could hear him. "I know what you were going to say earlier when Prussia asked you truth or dare."

"...no you don't."

"Yes I do. And I think that now's the perfect time to talk about it, since you're trapped in the bathroom and can't run away from me."

"I'm not listening!"

"That's okay, I'll just talk. I feel-"

The door opened quickly, throwing Spain off his balance. A streak of pink and plaid ran around the room and came back to the bathroom, slamming the door on Spain's head.

"THERE!" Romano shouted. "Now GO AWAY while I change!"

"Aw," Prussia whined. "We didn't get to see!"

"It's alright Prussia-san," Japan said. "I got it on video.

**Bleck! It's a fail chapter, but whatevs. I'm too sleepy to care much. Lol!**

**Review, let me know who you think should go next!**


	10. France, Russia and a super special Guest

**Super speed! Awesome!**

**I took a bunch of your suggestions and made this. Not my favorite, but not the worst. It's the middle child of the story.**

**Mew, this is for you!**

**NOTE! I'm totally not racist, I swear. Last chapter was iffy on Poles and this one is iffy on Chinese. My Mandarin professor talks like that, though, so I copied her speech. **

**If I owned Hetalia, Russia would snap already and stop the suspense. And France would not exist. My God I hate France...**

**France, Russia, and a super special guest are next!**

The nations crowded around Japan and stared in awe at the camera.

"Really?" America whispered. "You caught him on tape?"

"Hai. Poland-san, he looks so kawaii..."

"Omigawd, show us! Like, right now!"

Spain walked back to the group while Romano changed, rubbing his door-bruised nose. "What's that, guys?"

"Japan was filming Romano," Prussia snickered. "We totally have it on tape!"

Spain's eyes widened in panic. "Delete it! Delete it right now! You people have no idea what he can do, you never, NEVER piss off- oh my God he's cute."

Japan smiled softly as he pressed play on his digital camera. Romano entered the screen in slow motion, dressed in a short red plaid skirt and a light pink halter top with a winking Hello Kitty. His face screamed demonic determination to kill something, anything, and personally watch the life leave its eyes forever. Which was adorable.

The party giggled as he ran in slow motion, arms and legs slowly pumping to get out of the shot.

"Wow," Germany said. "I didn't know it was physically possible for an Italian to move that fast. Feliciano, why can't you run like that during training?"

"Ve!" Italy said happily. "Maybe I should start wearing a skirt when we train so I run faster!"

Germany blushed and Prussia turned to the Italian seriously. "I think you should, Feli. That's probably the best idea you've ever had. I know West would-OW! Quit hitting me, West!"

Germany did not stop hitting his brother.

"Look at those legs," France said, licking his lips.

"Look away from those legs." Spain smacked France over the head.

"But he's so-"

"No."

"Oh, come on."

"I mean it, _amigo_. Don't even think about it."

"What's pervy-bastard doing now?"

Everyone jumped away from the camera and looked at a freshly macho-fied Romano.

"What's that," Romano pointed at the camera suspiciously.

"Er," Prussia fumbled. "Baseball."

"A whole baseball team," France hurriedly supplied.

"And they're singing," said Spain.

"And the pitcher is, like, crying or something."

"He's out of the season because he wrecked his shoulder."

"But it's totally cool because he was going to take the year off anyway to raise awareness about childhood leukemia."

"Because his daughter was diagnosed two years ago."

"And his wife walked out on him after the kid was born because she was in love with his brother."

"It was so sad!"

"And then a little kid in a wheelchair comes onto the field."

"And she's, like, the cutest thing ever but it's totally sad because she has cancer!"

"So the pitcher gives her a puppy and then she actually stands up-" at this point, everyone was crying at her imaginary plight as America continued- "she _stands up from her wheel chair_ just so she can give him a hug and thank him for everything!"

"And then the bloody _oncologist_-" England choked back a sob. "_He_ comes out onto the field and tells her on national television that she's cured!"

The nations wiped away tears and sobs and looked at each other in triumph over their skillful composite man-lie.

Romano looked at his nails.

"Sorry," he said, looking up. "I stopped listening after 'baseball.'"

Everyone groaned.

"Ve!" Italy hugged his brother. "I'm so glad you're feeling better!"

"Get off me, idiot."

France chuckled. "Are all Italians so hairy and cute?"

"FRANCE, TRUTH OR DARE."

France paused nervously and looked at Romano, whose eyes seemed to be replaced by pools of unending hatred and death and evil.

"W-why me?"

"Because I hate you."

"Oh... um, then, truth."

Romano smirked. "What are your five favorite things about England?"

"NOOOOOO! _Mon ami_, have some compassion! That is not a truth, that is a dare! I cannot do it!"

"You heard him, Francis," England smirked and folded his arms over his chest.

"I didn't do for you, limey bastard," Romano snapped at England. "I did it because it's painful for him."

Francis cried out in frustration and pain and England grinned evilly. "I know. It's wonderful, isn't it?"

"Hurry up, France."

"GEH! I l-like how your hair isn't... _completely _stupid..."

"Doesn't count," England and Romano said in unison.

"Then... his eyebrows look less creepy today."

"No."

"Something about the English channel?"

"Distance is not a compliment, Francis."

"COME ON! Then... England is... sexy?"

America choked on his beer and England nodded in approval. "Go on."

"You're thin, but it works on you because you stay toned. Your skin is perfect. You have this sexy habit of biting your lip when you're trying not to look turned on." Alfred coughed uncomfortably. "You always scowl when you sleep. You have a little tattoo on your- oh, THAT tattoo! I get it now!"

England's face darkened. America perked himself up.

"What? Where!"

"Thank you, Francis. You're done."

"No, Iggy, where is it!"

"France, it's your turn."

America pouted at England and swigged his beer.

Just as France opened his mouth, the apartment door knocked.

England looked at his watch. "That's odd. It's 11:34. Too early to be complaining about noise, but too late for anyone else to join us."

Alfred grabbed a baseball bat and walked to the door slowly, brandishing it like a sword.

England sighed. "Alfred, I hardly think a burglar would knock first."

"It's not for a burglar," America whispered. "It's for-"

"ALFRED, OPEN UP, ARU!"

"GO AWAY, YAO! I HATE YOU!"

Japan paled at the Chinese accent. England sighed.

"You owe him money _again?_"

"HE OWE ME MONEY _STILL!_" Yao called through the door. "SO I TAKING OVER YOUR KITCHEN TONIGHT, ARU!"

Alfred groaned and opened the door. "What's wrong with your kitchen?"

"KOREAN ASSHOLE KEEP TELLING ME HIS RECIPE BETTER. I HIT HIM WITH WOK ARU."

Alfred winced and put his fingers in his ears. "Yao! Dude! You're inside now, quit yelling!"

"Where your kitchen, aru?"

Alfred pointed and China picked up a large wooden box and strolled in.

He stopped abruptly when he saw Japan.

"_Riben_," China said coldly.

"_Chugoku-san_."

China pointedly stuck his nose in the air and walked into the kitchen.

"So..." started Alfred, trying to break the tension. "What are you making, anyway?"

"I making cake, aru. Hong Kong's birthday coming, and he no like my five thousand year tradition, so he ask for Western cake. Hmph."

England bit back a triumphant smirk.

France walked to the kitchen. "You're not using rice flour, are you?"

"Of course I am," China snapped. "If I make Western cake, I take little bit of China so Hong Kong remember who he is."

"But it's so coarse! To make a proper cake, you must only take the lightest, softest ingredients."

"What you know, France? You good for nothing! Let China do what China do and go eat a moose."

France laughed. "Have you ever_ tasted_ mousse?"

China paused his mixing. He looked at France. "The lightest and softest ingredients, you say?"

…

Half an hour later, France and China walked back into the living room to find the nations playing "Never Have I Ever." Prussia was winning. Horribly.

"Yoo-_hooo_," Prussia called out. "Frenchy-kins!"

"Is he really drunk this time?" Canada asked Germany.

"Yes. Protect your vital regions."

"Francy-pants! Why are you and China covered in flour?"

"Baking," China said hurriedly.

France smirked. "_Oui_. Lots of... baking."

"Ugh," England said. "You let the frog help you bake?"

"As opposed to you?" Germany smiled. Italy unconsciously huddled closer to him at the memory of his traumatic experience with England's food.

"It's like molesting in my mouth..."

"It's okay, Feliciano. It can't hurt you anymore."

"Hello, China," Russia smiled sweetly.

"Hello, Russia," China smiled sweetly.

"So, uh," America rubbed the back of his neck. "How long are you staying?"

"I wait for the cake. About an hour, right?"

"_C'est vrai,_" France smiled.

Alfred's face fell.

"Well, frog," England sighed. "We were waiting for you. It's your turn."

France grinned at China. "Truth or dare?"

"Don't be stupid, of course I say truth, aru."

"Am I a wonderful baker or what?"

China rolled his eyes. "You too impatient, too messy, you forget important things make the cake rise, you use too much sugar and I tasted better frosting in England."

France looked close to tears and England punched America in the shoulder.

"Ha! See that?" England said. "I told you my food was good!"

America shook his head in disbelief. "Dude. Iggy. Even _I_ got that."

England stared into space and went over the conversation in his head. He blushed.

"Oh! Oh, why, um, thank you, China."

"I no say it good, I just say France is worse, aru. It my turn now?"

"Yeah," America said. "France, go clean the kitchen. _Thoroughly_."

France sulked off.

"Hm," China said. "Russia, truth or dare?"

"Truth, da."

"Why you always at my house, aru? I keep telling you, knock first!"

Russia smiled sweetly. "I abstain. Let's go to the closet."

"Ah," China said, not perturbed at all. "So you playing by America's rules, aru? Okay."

"China," Spain whispered, panicked. "Don't do it! Bad things happen in the closet with Russia!"

"Omigawd that dress looks fabulous on you."

"China-san," Japan said quietly as Russia stood up and waited at the closet door. "Don't do this. No one deserves that sort of punishment."

China glared at Japan with steely eyes and stood up. He shot Japan a last hate-filled glance and walked into the closet. Russia smiled and followed him in.

…

Two minutes of silence later, China walked out of the closet, fixing his ponytail. "There," he said. "It not as hard as it look."

The nations stared in awe for a second and rushed the closet to see what happened.

Russia was stripped down to his waist, his hands tied above his head with his scarf to the light fixture. There were scratch marks on his chest.

Russia smiled at everyone. "I like him.

**Review, ducklings! I love you!**


	11. America

**I apologize for my lateness... I took a couple days so I could mourn South Park properly. I'm in the "Acceptance" stage now, but it still sucks ass TT_TT. Goodness. I feel like I'm getting divorced or something. I'm a stupid panda.**

**So this is me trying to get back on the horse. It's less funny and awesome. I'm easing back into nerddom. I did try to be a LITTLE more charitable to Russia. I watched _Paint it White_ and felt I was a total bitch to him. I'm gonna stay bitchy at France, though. Just FYI.**

**WARNING: Contains USUK pre-kink. Gosh, this chapter itself would make an excellent smut fic if I wasn't loyal to the T rating here. **

**If I owned Hetalia, America would totally save the world, like, every episode forever and be a total hero and defeat evil and shit.**

**America's turn!**

"Wh-what the hell?"

"How did he..."

"There's no way..."

The nations looked in disbelief at the bound and half-naked Russia. He smiled innocently at them.

"I like him a lot," Russia repeated. A tiny trickle of blood strolled down his chest from one of the scratches.

England looked at America, panicky. "You git... how could you let yourself get on China's bad side?"

America paled.

"Da," Russia smiled. "America? Truth or dare?"

America laughed nervously. "Nice try, dude. You're tied up, I'm totally not afraid of you."

Russia smiled sweetly. He looked in the direction of the kitchen, where China was humming and ignoring a persistent France, and chuckled. With a slight twist of his wrist, the scarf trap untied itself and fell lightly across Russia's shoulders.

"In Soviet Russia," Russia explained sweetly to the terrified nations, "Ass got _you_."

"Hey, Iggy?" America whispered nervously.

"Yes?"

"What was that?"

"I think it was a failed attempt at scarf humor. 'Ass got' as in 'ascot.'"

"Oh. That's not really funny."

"Ve! I liked it!"

Italy now has ice cream.

"Well, America?"

America gulped. "Er... truth."

Russia tilted his head and held his ankles, his enormous chest curiously motionless despite his having to breathe to stay alive. He hummed slightly for a minute while he pondered.

"Da," Russia said finally. "What is the strangest fantasy you have ever had about England?"

"WHAT?" America shrieked. "Commie bastard! The hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what you think. Kolkolkol..."

America ignored the blood in his face and looked everywhere in the room except in anyone's (especially England's) face. "That's a stupid question. Ask something else."

"No," Russia smiled. "I like this question."

"What makes you think I have weird fantasies about England? That's sick!"

The corners of Russia's lips twitched. "Normal ones, then. Just tell us the least normal."

If America had chanced a glance at England, he'd have noticed the exact shade of red painting his face that America tended to fantasize about. Iggy's throat made a few choked noises that couldn't rightfully be called human. And he was biting his lip.

But America was avoiding England's gaze like Rebecca Black avoids Thursdays. "I'm not answering something so idiotic!"

"Da," Russia said. "Then come into the closet. Come become one with Mother Russia."

America trembled in anger and confusion. Had England chanced a look at America (because he was studying a small scuff in the closet door and was thus too busy to look,) he'd have bitten his lip clean off. The poor idiot had no idea what to do. His brain was simply not equipped to handle both his pride and his general well-being. He usually asked England to help him out with advanced diplomacy like this, but, like we said, England was very busy right now, thankyouverymuch.

So America's eyes merely filled with tears of frustration and he trembled. It was bloody adorable.

Russia tilted his head again at the silence. "Well? Are you coming in?"

America felt a timid hand on his arm. He turned and looked, mortified, at Lithuania.

Lithuania smiled softly at his former and favorite boss. "It isn't that big a deal, Alfred. Whatever it is, it has to be better than going into the closet with Russia."

"Why does everyone think I have a thing for the old man?" It was meant as a joke, but it would take a real idiot not to hear the pleading note in his voice.

America did not hear the pleading note in his own voice and blushed, hoping no one else did.

England tried to protest being called an old man, but he knew that if he opened his mouth, unforgivable noises would come out. So he protested in his mind instead.

"I am waiting," Russia grinned, licking a little of his own blood off his fingers.

America stole a panicked glance at England, who was glaring at his fingernails and pretending not to pay attention.

"Er... Triple Dog Dare?"

"All in favor?" Germany asked matter-of-factly. Eight hands went up, desperate to alleviate the awkward tension that choked the room.

"All opposed?" Russia countered. He glared sweetly (a handy trick if you ever learn how) at each nation one by one until they cracked and timidly raised their own hands.

Except Poland. His hand was already up because he was such a sucker for a good drama.

"Ten to eight. Denied," Russia said. "Now choose. Become one with Russia, or divulge your secret."

"It's not my secret!" America yelled. "I don't have a secret like that!"

"But of course you do," Russia said. " We are not blind."

England made a weird noise and cleared his throat. "Alfred," he murmured. "Just make something up."

"Da," Russia said. "How will we know?"

America's fingernails dug into his jeans and he glared at Russia's feet. "This is stupid."

"It's this or the closet," Lithuania said comfortingly. "Bad things happen in there. Horrible things."

Poland stroked Lithuania's back apologetically. Lithuania caught his hand and smiled. They kissed lightly.

America swallowed. "F-fine," he said. "I had a f-fantasy about Arthur as a punk. My turn."

"What was he wearing?" Russia said.

"Huh? Punk clothes. My t-"

"What kind of punk clothes?"

"Uh... Green ones?"

"Be more descriptive."

"I don't know, like, the fishnet arm shit and torn up jeans?"

"Any piercings?"

"Um... Tongue and eyebrow."

"Just the two? Pretty poor punk."

"I don't know! Nose? Ears? What do you want from me!"

Russia smiled. "And what did you two do?"

"I don't know! Sex! Right?"

England's lip was white from biting it.

"Oral?" Russia asked. "Anal? Manual?"

America blushed harder and fidgeted with his hands in his lap. "Oral."

"Give or receive?"

"B-both."

"With the tongue ring in?"

"Y-yes."

Poland inexplicably cried out in pain and clutched his ear. The nations looked at him as he mumbled "shut up... shut up... omigawd, shut up..." to himself.

America looked relieved to be interrupted. "Poland? You okay, dude?"

"B-bathroom," he winced. He ran to the bathroom and Lithuania looked angrily after him before pulling out his phone and texting furiously.

"Ve? Lithuania? Is Poland okay?"

Toris sighed and glared at his phone. "I told her no. Why does she have to go behind my back like that?"

Prussia let out a hammered laugh. "Oh _mein Gott_, she asked you too? That girl has _problems!_"

"Please stop licking my ear," Canada mumbled.

"Wait," America said. "What's going on?"

"Elizabeta," Germany sighed. "She asked all of us to wear wires tonight. I thought we were in _consensus_ about telling her no." At this he glared at Lithuania.

"I'm sorry," Toris said. "I told him not to."

"Hungary? Why would she want you guys to wear wires?"

Poland came out of the bathroom, rubbing his ear. "Omigawd, I thought I had a broken nail. But it's totally fine!"

"You're a terrible liar, Feliks," Lithuania said.

"What?"

"You idiot!" Germany yelled. "Why would you let Hungary bug you? We all agreed not to!"

"Liz? Like, don't get me wrong, we're total BFFs, but I wouldn't let her bug me."

Germany grabbed the wire out of Poland's ear and shook it in front of his face. "What's this, then?"

"Austria, like, made me an offer I couldn't refuse."

"_Austria?_"

"Oh, Poland," Lithuania sighed.

"What? He said it was, like, blackmail or something."

Germany pulled the rest of the wire out from Poland's shirt and put the earpiece in his ear. "Roderich, say yes or no. Is Hungary in the room with you?"

Because everyone was focused on Germany and the wire, no one noticed England grab America's wrist and drag him to the bedroom.

"Uh-huh," Germany said. "And does she have a frying pan?

…

"Iggy, wha-"

England slammed America's back against the bedroom door and kissed him, not even bothering to turn on the light.

America squeaked in surprise. England took it the wrong way and pulled away, panicked.

"I-I'm sorry, I thought..."

"No, no, you weren't wrong. But really, what?"

England smiled. "You're not really that thick, are you?"

America blushed and shifted to hide his bulge.

England blushed and laughed awkwardly. "N-no, not that. I mean, are you really that stupid?"

"Well," America said. "Let's pretend I am. How would you explain it to me?"

England placed his hands on America's half bare (from the closet) chest and kissed the place right over his heart. England let his lips linger and he smiled to feel it thud harder and quicker.

"Oh..." America blushed.

"Oh?" England said, worried. "You don't... Oh, fuck. I'm such an idiot."

"N-no!" America panicked as England pulled away. "No! I... I feel the same way!"

"What way?" Arthur snapped.

"I'm... kind of..."

"Yes?"

"You know."

"What?"

"With the hearts and the flowers and all?"

"What?"

"Well, come on," America blushed. "Don't be stupid."

"Let's pretend I am stupid," England said. "How would you explain it to me?"

America pulled England's face to his own and he kissed him. A lot.

England moaned and wrapped his arms around the taller man's neck. He slipped his tongue into Alfred's mouth and jumped, wrapping his legs around Alfred's hips.

Alfred grabbed Arthur's ass and bit his tongue a little in surprise at the unexpected hardness pressing up against his stomach.

England pulled away and sucked on Alfred's neck.

"Well, yeah," America said matter-of-factly as if Arthur wasn't grinding himself into Alfred's body. "Something like that, I think."

"I love you too, git," England said, muffled against America's neck.

"I love you." America smiled and played with the words, loving the taste they left in his mouth. "I do. I love you."

England pulled away from America's neck and looked him in the blue, bespectacled eyes. "We aren't that obvious, are we?"

"Nah. We're subtle like ninjas." America carried England to the bed and laid him down, bracing himself above him, and kissed him gently.

"Mmph. Hold on." Arthur stopped Alfred and pulled something out of his trousers pocket.

He fiddled with his mouth for a bit as America watched impatiently and finally stuck out his tongue.

"Nice," America grinned at the shiny green stud in England's tongue. "How long have you been hiding that from me?"

"The 70's were a little crazy on my side of the pond."

"And the tattoo?"

"Come and find it."

**Ah. Feels better to be back on. From now on, this shall be my coping mechanism. That just SCREAMS mental health right there.**

**R&R. Let me know how I'm doing, what I could be doing better, what you want to see and what you consider TMI. Love forever, ducklings!**


	12. Germany and Austria

**Crack chapter to introduce Austria and Hungary. I got a lot of people who wanted to see Austria in this. Don't worry, I'll make him do something awesome.**

**This chapter is for World Dominator. It was her dare, lol! I think I failed at what she was going for, but if I had my way it would be more explicit. Compromise, ducklings. It's the spice of life.**

**I LOVE REVIEWERS! I think you guys kick ass and I want to be all of your friends forever! And I'm so happy that so many people favorite both me and this story! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and tingly ****J**

**If I owned Hetalia it would be Germita yaoi. I've said it before and I'll say it as many times as I need to.**

**Germany and Austria now!**

"Roderich," Germany sighed into the wire's microphone. "Let me speak to Elizabeta."

There was a resigned sigh and a shuffling from the earpiece as Austria handed his mic over to Hungary. More shuffling, and then a timid, quiet "_…ja?_"

"Elizabeta," Germany said. "Why?"

"_Don't know what you're talking about._"

"Give me a break. We said no wires. Why did you get Austria to convince Poland to do it?"

"_Well, maybe you should invite me to your homoerotic parties and I wouldn't have to use trickery and cleverness._"

Germany reddened. "This isn't a homoerotic party, this is a pleasant get together between nations."

Hungary huffed. "_Then why weren't Roddy and I invited?_"

Germany opened his mouth to reply, but he simply didn't have a good answer. He looked around the room to see if there was any helpful reaction before he realized that only he could hear what Hungary said.

He covered the mic. "Guys, she wants to know why she wasn't invited."

Italy squealed. "Ve! Hungary should come! Tell her to come over!"

"Omigawd," said Poland. "Tell her to, like, get her butt over here right now!"

"Ugh," Prussia groaned drunkenly. "I hate that crazy chick."

Germany looked around. "Well, I can't exactly invite her over without America's permission. Where is he?"

"Prolly working out that obnoxious sexual tension with England," Prussia reasoned. "I wouldn't look too hard for them if I were you."

Germany blushed and turned back to the microphone. "Hungary-"

"_I heard everything. Open the window._"

Germany turned around slowly to look at the tree outside America's living room window. "_Sheisse_," he grumbled.

Hungary and Austria sat on the largest branch with a few very very expensive-looking pieces of equipment. One of them was waving energetically and the other tried vainly to look dignified while sitting on a tree branch.

Italy followed Germany's gaze and grinned. "Ve! Liz! Look, everyone, it's Liz!"

The nations looked at the window and squealed or groaned or shouted obscenities. Poland ran over and slammed open the window.

"Lizzy! Omigawd!"

Hungary squealed and jumped in to hug her friend. "Poland! Oh my God I missed you!"

"We got out of the meeting, like, five hours ago."

"I _know_! I never get to see you anymore!"

Italy ran up and hugged Hungary's waist. "Ve! Big sister!"

"Ita-chan, you're getting so tall! Soon I'll have to call you 'big brother,' hahaha!"

It's really hard to look dignified when you're climbing out a tree, through a window and into a messy apartment. Add prissy clothes and glasses and it's literally impossible. So Austria stumbled into the apartment in much the same way a bull stumbles in a china cabinet. Clumsy, destructive and hilarious.

Prussia snorted as Austria tried to regain his footing and Austria glared at him.

"Prussia," Roderich said.

"Specs," Gilbert giggled.

"Was that text necessary?"

"Was it inconvenient?"

"Yes. I smashed my phone with cookware. I need a new phone now."

"Excellent," Prussia snickered.

Austria sighed and straightened his glasses. "You're an expensive person to know. Who's that?"

Prussia pulled Canada in closer and nuzzled his neck as Canada yelped and blushed. "I call him _Herr Sexypants._ You're not allowed to play with him."

Germany smacked his brother's head. "You're drunk."

"And you're an asshole, what of it?"

"Stop molesting random people."

"For the last time," Canada huffed. "I'm not random! I'm Canada, I've been here the whole time!"

Austria ignored Canada and walked up to Italy, ruffling his hair. "Italy, you're getting so tall."

"Mister Austria!" Italy squealed and hugged Roderich around the waist. "Thank you so much, ve!"

"Goodness, I remember when you were only-_no, Elizabeta_- only as big as a cat."

Hungary scowled at Austria for stopping her sneakitude to the bedroom with her camera. Poland patted her arm happily and whispered something in her ear. Hungary brightened and snuck off to the kitchen instead.

"Ve!" Italy laughed at Austria. "I was never that little!"

"But you were," Austria said. "And twice as adorable. It's a shame you and Holy Rome had to grow up."

Germany colored a little. "Austria, I'm Germany now. Stop calling me that name."

Austria patted Germany's arm pointedly. "Oh, you'll always be Holy Rome to me. You were so much cuter before you learned about invasion."

Germany scoffed and unconsciously grabbed Italy's hand. "Let's not do this tonight."

"It's never a good time for- _ow!_"

Prussia interrupted Austria with a chop to the head. "Back off West, dipshit," he growled. "He knows he was an ass and he's apologized. Leave him alone."

Austria rubbed his head and glared at the brothers. "I'll never understand what you said to make Italy prefer you."

"Ve?"

Germany unconsciously squeezed Italy's hand harder. "Enough. Tonight is not the time for fighting."

"Like, who cares!" Poland and the rest of the nations sat on the floor and crunched popcorn. "We're totally cool with a show!"

Germany and Austria colored. Italy winced at his hand.

Lithuania covered his eyes as Poland kept talking. "Okay, we'll, like, do this the old fashioned way. Germany, Austria, I totally dare you to find out who knows Italy best!"

"You're not even giving us a choice for truth?" Germany yelled.

"I'm alright with it," Austria glared. "Unless Holy Rome thinks I'll beat him."

Prussia booed and threw peanuts at Austria before Canada could stop him. "Boo! Take him down, West!"

"Fine," Germany said, glaring back at Austria. 'No problem. Let's do this."

"What?" Italy asked, confused.

…

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first ever 'Who Knows Italy More' cont-"

"Sit down, _arsloch_," Germany and Austria snapped at Prussia.

"But I have a complicated set of rules and I have all the questions and answers right-"

"We'll manage," Germany interrupted.

Prussia sat back down next to Canada. Spain and France (fresh from the kitchen) took silent bets while Russia and China stared at each other. Romano sulked in a corner, Hungary and Japan set up Hungary's camera on a tripod to get a quality video and Poland played with Liet's hair. America and England were still MIA.

Italy stood between the two Germanic nations, confused and a little scared. "Ve," he said. "What's happening?"

"Favorite color," Austria challenged.

"Green. Favorite painter."

"Da Vinci. Favorite song."

"Tie between 'Canon in D' and 'California Girls.' Birthday is?"

"March 17th. Favorite pasta."

"Trick question, he loves them all. Artistic medium."

"Painting. Where is Rome?"

Misunderstanding the question, Germany pointed to Italy's heart. "Don't be stupid," he said.

Italy giggled. "Romano and I have the same capitol, ve!"

"And I meant geographically," Austria said. "But okay. Where's Milan?"

Germany poked Italy's nose. "Where's Tolmezzo?"

"His stomach, of course. Where's Verona?"

Germany tugged on Italy's left ear and Italy giggled. "Where's Turin?"

Austria pointed to Italy's right eye. "And Novara?"

"Right foot. Left foot is Piacenza, right hand is Bergamo, left hand is Brescia, mouth is Monza. Hah!"

Germany smirked at Austria and panted. Italy shuffled uncomfortably.

"Doitsu," Italy whispered. "Bergamo is my _left _hand."

"_Sheisse_," Germany cried. "I always mix them up! Okay, hold still."

Germany pulled a marker from his pocket and held Italy's hand.

"Bergamo, right?"

Italy nodded and giggled as the marker tickled across his skin.

"And Brescia is the other… Let me see your feet."

Italy snickered and kicked as the marker trailed across his left foot. "Doitsu! That tickles!"

"Sorry, Italy. I'll be quick. Can I see the other one?"

Italy laughed again as Germany wrote "Novara."

"Okay, now close your eyes."

"Doitsu! Don't write on my face!"

"Don't worry, this washes off. Close your eyes."

Italy shut his eyes and giggled as Germany wrote "Turin" and "Trento." Germany placed a finger on Italy's lips and hushed him as he wrote "Monza."

"There," Germany said. "May I do your chest?"

Italy unbuttoned his shirt and spread his arms out at his sides, smiling.

Germany got on his knees so he could get a better angle. "Tolmezzo," he murmured. "Merano… Mantua… Cremona…"

Italy giggled. "Cremona is so ticklish!"

Germany smiled up at Italy. "Am I missing anywhere important?"

"You forgot Rome."

"Ah!" Germany stood up and placed his hand over Italy's chest to find exactly where Rome was. When he felt the strong, quick thuds of the capitol, he smiled and wrote in large, neat script.

"Ve," Italy said, appraising himself. "I'm a walking painting!"

"I didn't forget anywhere important, did I?"

Italy took the marker from Germany's hand and drew a neat little heart around "Rome." "There," he said. "Perfect."

Germany pulled Italy into a hug. "_Sie wunderbare Stuck Magie_."

"Ve? What did I do?"

Hungary and Prussia cried out "Dawww!" in unison. When they realized, they glared at each other and shut their mouths tightly.

"Well," Austria sighed. "I still don't get it."

Everyone stayed silent for a moment as Germany and Italy embraced. Then:

"AIYAA! THE CAKE!"

**Ach, fail OTL. Could have been way better, but the only Italian geography I know well is in the south. Thanks be to Google for maps and shit!**

**Next chappie might be a while. My laptop has an STD and I feel awkward writing this stuff on the school computers, like they might catch me and hit me for being a pervert, lol! **

**R&R, ducklings!**


	13. Poland

**Ach. Comp still in the shop. Whatevs, school computer serves just as well.**

**This chapter has a lot of other languages and crap. Most of it is Google. Thank you, Google. If you see something wrong, go ahead and correct me. Just know I'll ignore you as I am too lazy to deal with this anymore. Oy vey.**

**If I owned Hetalia, it would be pink.**

**Poland is next!**

"AIYAA!" China screamed. "THE CAKE!"

He ran to the kitchen as the choking odor of burning filled the air. China threw open the oven and covered his face as smoke gushed out and burned his eyes and flooded the kitchen. The ceiling began to screech in that ear-splitting scream fire alarms are famous for.

"AIYA!" China screamed again as the countries packed the kitchen, waving towels and opening windows and trying to disperse the smoke. Poland waved his hands ineffectually and made sure Lithuania stood behind him as Prussia yelled at Germany for dumping beer on the flaming hunk of charcoal China pulled out of the oven. Japan knocked the cake out of China's hands and stood between them as it spontaneously burst into more pungent flame. The smoke alarms screamed.

America burst out of his bedroom, carrying England, bridal style, and shouting at everyone to get outside, now.

"America-san," Japan shouted back as he dumped a glass of water on the cake. "It's alright, it's only-"

"NOW!" America yelled. "I don't know, I don't care, just get your asses outside now!"

America kicked open the door and gently set England down to get out of the apartment. He counted the nations as they ran out, pausing only to say a casual "Hi" to "Australia" and "Pervert." Russia was last, strolling out calmly, and Alfred pushed him to join the throng of tenants that flooded the hall in an effort to get outside.

America spotted a few nations and motioned for them to hurry. Germany had thrown a crying Italy over his shoulder and was weaving his way calmly through the panicked crowd to get to the stairs. Japan grabbed China's hand and pulled him along, running to the stairs in what America could only describe as "ninja-like."

England squeezed his back against a wall and waited for America.

When America reached him, he smiled and pulled Iggy into a kiss. "You were supposed to get outside, dummy."

"You're clumsy enough that you'd get stuck and burn to death. Someone has to pull your heroic bum out."

"What?" America had to scream over the alarm and the crying tenants.

"I said someone has to save your-"

"What?"

"I said- oh, sod it, let's go."

They ran down the now almost-empty hall and rushed down the stairs. When they opened the apartment door, the cool air washed over their faces like an enormous sigh of relief. They ran to the party of nations that waved them over.

Italy cried as Germany rubbed his back comfortingly. Poland checked his hair for split ends, Lithuania looked apologetically at the tenants around him, a now sober Prussia joked idly with Spain as Romano swore at their unseriousness and Japan spoke quietly with China.

"Are you alright, China-san?"

"Yes, aru, I'm fine. Are you alright?"

Japan blushed slightly at his older brother. "I… er, yes. Thank you."

Japan made to join the nations again, but China caught his arm and glared at the ground, reddening.

"You not have to… with the fire. You did no have to-"

"It's alright, China-san," Japan smiled sadly. "I know."

"Why did you?"

Japan turned his head warmly. "You're my _nii-san_."

China bit his lip. "Well. Th… _thannn…_"

"I beg your pardon?"

"_THANK… THAAAAANK_ AIYA! It like razorblades in my mouth!"

Japan smiled affectionately. "_Tsuneni, nii-san._"

"_Shyeh shyeh._"

They walked back to the group.

"Alright!" America shouted. "Did everyone make it out okay?"

"It's fine, Alfred," Canada said. "China accidentally burned the cake and set off the smoke alarm."

"Yao!" America cried out. "Why! Are you trying to kill me?"

China bowed his head in apology. "I sorry, Alfred. I was very foolish."

A sharp Mexican accent cut through the air. "ALFRED! What did you do!"

"Why does everyone always assume it's my fault?" Alfred mused to himself as a small Mexican woman slammed his back up against the tree.

"What did you do this time? Why is it always something with you? Do you have any idea how destructive you are? _Idiota! Hijo de puta! Que chingados!_"

Spain rushed up to the Mexican woman and touched her shoulder. "Maria, yes?"

"Go away," Maria growled. "I'm killing my neighbor."

"Why don't you relax?" Spain persisted. "It wasn't Alfred's fault this time."

Mexico growled, but she reluctantly pulled away. "You're an annoying neighbor to have," she said. She walked over to a large group of Hispanic nations.

Alfred rubbed his shoulder and winced. "Thanks, dude. So, what happened?"

Poland brushed his hair and waved his hand dismissively. "No big whup," he said. "China, like, burned the cake."

"Yeah, I got that. Didn't you set a timer?"

China repressed a scoff. "I never use timer. Cooking is half instinct."

"And the other half is watching the damn oven!" Alfred snapped back.

England grabbed Alfred's shoulder. "Calm down," he said sternly. "What's done is done. It's not even a big deal, just a little burnt cake."

Alfred sighed and relaxed. "You're right," he said to England. "Totally not a big deal."

China breathed a sigh of relief.

America raised his head suddenly. "Wait, you remembered to turn off the oven, right?"

"_Gaisi_!" China shouted.

Japan bolted back into the building.

America pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned. "I knew it. You are trying to kill me."

Germany stepped between the two nations. "Alright. Let's all calm down. I believe it is America's turn for truth or dare?"

"Actually," England blushed. "It's mine."

Germany stared at him. "…I'm not even going to ask," he said.

"Thank you."

"Wait," America said. "What about the apartment?"

England looked at Alfred's window as the light went off, no doubt because Japan hated leaving a room with the electricity running. "Well," he said. "There's not a whole lot else to do while we're waiting for the fire marshal to clear the building."

"We want in!" Mexico shouted across the parking lot.

"Go away, Maria," Alfred shouted. "No one likes you!"

"_Chinga tu madre!_"

"Joke's on you, bitch! I don't speak Spanish!"

Spain shuffled uncomfortably. "That wasn't very nice of her."

"I know," Romano said. "I'm taking notes for later."

"Let's see," England said. "Poland? Truth or dare?"

Poland was sitting down and running a brush through a drowsy Lithuania's hair. "Truth," he said lazily.

The rest of the countries sat down, forming a haphazard circle. England hummed a bit as he thought.

"Tell us a secret," England said. "Something no one here knows."

Poland smiled and thought. "Okay! I, like, have-"

"I know that already," Lithuania said sleepily, his head resting on Poland's knee.

"Like, really?"

"Yes, Poland. You tell everyone about your pony."

"Fine," Poland said. "Once, I-"

"Know that."

"What about the time I-"

"Know that."

"How about-"

"It was 3 am, not midnight, and he barely touched you."

"Omigawd, Liet, stop!" Poland looked genuinely frustrated.

"Sorry, Poland." Lithuania opened his eyes and looked at him. "You tell me everything."

"I totally do not!"

"Yes you do. But it's okay."

Poland pouted. "I so do not tell you everything! I can be mysterious!"

Hungary laughed. 'Feliks, you could never be mysterious. You're such an open book!"

"I totally am not! I never told you-"

"Jealous when Hungary got her boobs," Lithuania said. "Heard it."

"What about-"

"And you haven't had duck since."

"Once, I-"

"And you cried for two hours because you felt so guilty." Lithuania smiled sleepily. "I love that story."

"Omigawd," Poland cried. "Liet, stop it!"

Lithuania played with Poland's fingers and stroked his palm. "Sorry, Poland. I know everything about you."

"You do not!"

"Yes I do."

"Nu-uh!"

"Yeah."

"HA!" Poland cried suddenly and pulled Lithuania into a rough kiss. "I know what I've never told you!"

Lithuania smiled. "Go ahead and say it, but I already know you love me."

"_Cholerny!_"

**Aiya. Done. Tired. Review! **


	14. Hungary and Austria

**So much good news and wonderfulness forever! My hero, Jon Stewart, interviewed Matt Stone and Trey Parker, my idols, and it turns out South Park isn't ending! That alone would ordinarily mean super long-ass author's note for your perusal, and even now I'm tempted to squeal in happiness and cry unicorns of good news. **

**But life gets better and a little funnier. My whore computer is back from the STD shop, and it's in totally perfect order! Literally, right out of the box order. Which is both awesome and sad. Because we had so many fun adventures, my computer and I. And now it has amnesia because we had to clear the hard drive. Like a horrible soap opera, I'm holding pictures up and saying "Look! Look! Remember this? Remember _us_?" But it doesn't.**

**I'm currently working on a Chapter 11 extension oneshot of lemony goodness.**

**And I had a dream my new roommate hated my guts, but she turned out to be Larry King's estranged son so it was okay.**

**Someone really needs to cut me off from caffeine after 9.**

**OH YEAH! Almost forgot! There's 91 comments on this story right now, which I LOVE. Thank you SO much you guys! So out of gratitude and celebration, the 100th reviewer gets to pick the next victim and the truth or dare! Seriously, anything. I'll make it happen. Just make sure you're logged in if you review so I can PM you and you can boss me around if it's you. Lol!**

**If I owned Hetalia, we would all be privy to Perverted Hungary's (probably enormous) voyeuristic country photos and vids.**

**Hungary and Austria next!**

"Omigawd," Poland pouted. "This is totally unfair!"

Lithuania smiled and closed his eyes again. "It's okay, Feliks. Mystery is overrated."

"But it's, like, no fun if you always know what I'm gonna say!"

"Sure it is," Lithuania answered, looking Poland in the eye. "I already know who you're going to ask truth or dare, and that's going to be entertaining."

"Nu-uh!"

"Elizabeta."

Poland cursed under his breath. "Freaking psychic. Lizzy, truth or dare?"

Hungary leaned back and smiled at Poland. "You're the most adorable person I know, Poland."

"Shut up and answer," Poland pouted.

"Rreow!" Hungary scratched the air with imaginary claws and laughed. "Dare."

Lithuania chuckled.

"What's so funny?" Poland asked.

"I know what you're going to say," Lithuania giggled. "And I think it's going to be hilarious."

"Seriously, Liet," Poland said. "Do you, like, read my diary or something?"

"What?" Hungary asked, smiling. "What's the dare?"

"She's gonna freak out," Poland said to Lithuania.

"I know, but you've been sitting on this one for such a long time. You should do it."

"It's rare for you to, like, _encourage_ me like this."

"Like I said," Lithuania smiled. "It's going to be entertaining."

"Should I?"

"If you don't I will."

"Seriously," Hungary said. "What's the dare?"

Poland looked at her mischieviously. "Are you ready?"

"Po, you're scaring me."

"I totally dare you," Poland grinned, "to be Siamese twins with Prussia for an hour!"

"WHAT?" Hungary and Prussia screamed in unison.

"You can't dare me!" yelled Prussia. "You didn't even ask!"

"There's no way I would want to be stuck to _him_, Po!" Hungary cried.

"That's the dare," Poland shrugged.

Germany leaned over to Poland. "I'm not entirely certain that this is a good idea."

"What did I say about the five feet rule?" Poland snapped at Germany. "Like, go away."

"Yeah, no way," Hungary grumbled. "I'd rather go in the closet with you. My nails could use a touch up."

Poland waved his hand at the firemen running into the apartment building. "No closet means you gotta do it, Liz."

"But I hate him!"

"Wow," Prussia said snarkily. "Tell us how you really feel."

"Oh my God, Gilbert, I want to choke you sometimes."

Prussia pointed accusingly at Hungary. "You're no cake-walk either, Miss Priss! At least you'd be able to be stuck to the awesome _me_. I'd have to be stuck to a whiny chick on her period who thinks the sun shines out of Austria's ass! Do you know how freaking annoying you are?"

"I am not annoying! You're the one who can't stop yourself from drinking and making an ass out of yourself no matter where you are! And you always expect everyone else to clean up your mess! And you're a total chauvanist, too!"

"Your boobs are small!"

The nations watched the back-and-forth with amusement.

"Wow," America whistled. "Good call, Poland, this is awesome!"

"Omigawd, I know, right?"

Lithuania smiled and fell asleep. Russia watched him hungrily.

"Canada," England said, worried. Canada's smile filled his face.

"You remembered me!"

England looked at him in confusion. "What?"

Canada's face fell. "Nevermind."

"Well, I was just thinking," England said. "Are you a little worried about Hungary and Prussia?"

Canada turned and watched Hungary and Prussia yell at each other.

"I'm way more awesome than you, Gilbert!"

"HA! As if! You're so unawesome you can't even _comprehend_ the awesomeness that is me! You totally couldn't even make it through ten minutes tied to me!"

"Yeah, right! You're so close-minded you couldn't deal _five_ minutes tied to _me_!"

"Bitch!"

"Asshole!"

Canada looked at England and smiled. "You know what? I'm really not."

At that moment a pale pair of arms snaked around Canada's waist and unbuckled his belt. Canada yelped in surprise.

"Sorry, Mattie," Prussia said, kissing Canada's forehead. "I need to borrow this for a little bit to prove a point."

"Er," Canada blushed. "Yeah, okay."

Prussia looped the belt through his own and Hungary buckled it around her waist. They glared at each other and shifted uncomfortably, trying to get as far away as possible while attached at the hip.

"_Mein Gott_," Prussia complained. "You're like a goddamned furnace!"

"Ugh," Hungary wrinkled her nose. "_Think_ before you _say_, you fucking kindergartner! That's a terrible joke, considering!"

"Really? You're _really_ bringing that up again?"

"Yeah, I really am."

"Tonight."

"Yeah."

"While we're tied together."

"Yeah."

"Sixty years later."

"Yup."

Prussia's eyes flashed hatred. "You've awakened the demon."

Hungary's eyes widened in fear. "No... Gilbert, don't you dare."

Canada's face softened into a loving grin as Prussia stuck his fingers in his mouth and Hungary screamed for help, trying to scramble away despite being tied to the spit-covered hand.

America grinned. "Dude," he said to Canada as Hungary screeched obscenities at Prussia. "You really have a gift for picking winners, huh?"

Hungary flipped her eyelids and Prussia yelled out in disgust as she tried to get him to face her. Canada shrugged.

"At last he can cook."

England colored and America patted his leg comfortingly.

"NO! Gibert, get that goddamned finger away from me!"

"'Gilbert's not here right now, Miss Liz!'"

"Damnit, you _know_ The Shining freaked me out!"

"Fifty eight minutes to go," Poland called out cheerfully.

Hungary cursed. "Can I at least have- _Gilbert stop touching me!- _my turn now?"

"I'm not even doing anything!" Prussia cried.

Poland laughed. "Yeah, totally. Liet was so right, this _is_ fun!"

"God DAMN, Hungary!" Prussia said. "Why are you breathing so loud?"

"Stop sweating on me, Gilbert!"

"Stop radiating heat like a goddamn oven!"

"Still not funny!"

"I was being totally literal!"

"RODERICH," Hungary shouted, ignoring Prussia. "Truth or dare?"

Austria jumped slightly in surprise. Prussia rolled his eyes.

"Oh, God. Not the aristocrat." Hungary smacked Prussia in the arm.

"Ah," Austria said, pushing his glasses farther up on his nose. "Truth."

"Pussy!" cried Prussia. Hungary yelled angrily and hit him over the head.

Austria coughed. "I beg your pardon?"

Prussia rubbed his head and glared at Hungary. "I said," Prussia stated deliberately, "That you are a pussy. A pansy. A wuss. And also, you have a vagina."

"BRUDER!" Germany shouted angrily. Prussia shrugged and Hungary grabbed his ear.

"Ow, fuck off! It's true!"

"You freak of nature," Hungary growled, twisting Prussia's ear.

"Fifty two minutes," Poland called happily.

"Austria is allowed to say truth," Hungary said, ignoring Poland. "It's his choice."

"I know," Prussia said, wincing. "He just made the unmanly choice. It's not a bad thing, I was just calling his attention to it."

Austria narrowed his eyes. "The 'unmanly choice?'"

Hungary let go of Prussia's ear. "Don't listen to him, Roderich. Prussia wouldn't know 'manly' if it slapped him in the face."

Canada snickered and America hit him.

"Ew, Matt."

Prussia caught Canada's eye and he winked. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would."

Hungary scowled and blushed. Prussia grinned and poked her cheek.

"Look at her! She's trying so hard not to imagine it!"

"TRUTH!" Hungary shouted. "Austria wanted truth!"

"Because he is a woman," Prussia said matter-of-factly.

Austria colored. "Elizabeta, I think I will change my mind. I pick dare."

Hungary rolled her eyes. "Come on, Roderich. Don't tell me- _Gilbert get your goddamned finger out of my ear!_- Don't tell me you're giving in to peer pressure. Gilbert's an idiot."

"He thinks I won't do it," Austria said, glaring. "I enjoy making him wrong."

"Austria totally didn't give me a million dollars." Prussia cried out in pain when Hungary punched him in the stomach.

"Are you sure, Roderich?" Hungary asked as Prussia coughed. "He doesn't know what he's talking about."

"_Ja_," Austria said calmly. "Dare."

"Wear underwear on your head!" Prussia shouted.

"Gilbert! It's _my_ turn, not yours!"

"Right," Prussia reasoned. "And we're Siamese twins. So it's my turn, too."

"What? Siamese twins aren't the same person!"

"Yes they totally are!"

"No, moron, they're not! They're just twins that happen to be attached!"

"Right- same person!"

Hungary covered her face in her hands. "Why do I even bother?"

"Forty seven minutes," Poland said gleefully.

"Okay, dare," Hungary mused. "Dare, dare dare..."

"Do the Ministry of Silly Walks!"

"No," Hungary said to Prussia. "Dare... dare..."

"Talk in limericks!"

"No. Dare..."

"Go hit on Mexico!"

"No! Dare. Dare. Dare."

"Draw a mustache on yourself!"

"No! Gilbert, stop interrupting me!"

"Well make up your damn mind, woman!"

Hungary tackled Prussia with a roar and Prussia shrieked, covering his face with his arms.

Hungary grabbed Prussia's wrists and hit Prussia's face with them. "Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting youself!"

"Oh, real mature, booger bucket!"

"At least I'm not hitting myself, cootie face!"

"Butt nugget!"

"Dummy head!"

"Forty six minutes," Poland cackled.

"Guys," America said suddenly, awestruck. "Look."

Prussia and Hungary looked up and gasped.

Austria ambled back to the party from the Central American countries in a John Cleese-like gait, kicking out his right leg every so often and dragging his left foot. Every couple of steps, he spun around and danced a step or two. Stretched over his head was what looked like a black and red pair of lacy panties and he had colored a neat blue mustache with Germany's marker. The nations stared in awe as he walked ridiculously over to the party and bowed.

"Dude," Prussia said. "What?"

Austria took a deep breath.

"Your dares must be what they call lame

Because I completed them all just the same.

Is that your best shot?

Well, look what I've got-

Undeniable Austrian game."

The nations applauded and hooted as Austria bowed and sat back down. Prussia looked at him in awe.

"All four?"

"Yes, Gilbert," Austria said, slipping the panties off his head. "All four. At the same time."

"I would totally worship you right now if I didn't just learn that you wear lacy panties."

Austria smiled and folded the underwear before slipping them into his pocket. "Oh, these aren't mine," he grinned slyly. "They're Maria's."

**Never question an Austrian's game. Because if you're wondering how much game they have, the answer is "a lot."**

**JUST SO YOU KNOW, I'm Jewish. So if you took offense at "furnace," take a chill pill, seriously. My people took it way worse than your people. And if you're Jewish and took offense, please relax. Nothing's so sacred that we can't reference it in crappy fanfiction. Lol!**

**Wow. I sound super offensive tonight. Again, remind me to to cut caffeine after nine.**


	15. China and Russia

**OMG OMG OMG! Ordinarily I'd try not to get too political, but y'all must be supporters or you wouldn't be reading this! So congratulations to New York on legalizing same-sex marriage! It's a landmark decision that the entire country will now be forced to talk about and consider! Thank you to the four republican senators who went against the traditional stance of their party to do the right thing! Mazel tov, New York! Celebrate- you've earned it! (I was writing this while I watched the news, so… betcha can't guess which part I was writing when I heard!)**

**Miss Comment 100 hasn't figured out the PM function on FF yet, I don't think, so everyone say hello to Miss Comment 101, Chocotaku! She totally picked everything out, so everything you like you can thank Chocotaku. Everything you hate is my fault for being unable to carry out her orders well.**

**Justmyname1, the Private Message is on the left side of the first screen you get when you sign in. Talk to me!**

**If I owned Hetalia, Russia would blossom with Sunflowers in the summer and he would be a happy panda. Also, China would be happy. With a panda.**

**Russia and China's turns!**

"Ewww," America said. "Mexico?"

Austria shrugged and pocketed the panties. "Why not? She's fairly attractive. Besides, it was on a dare."

Hungary reddened in anger.

"Yeah, but… Mexico. She's so friggin annoying!"

Austria smiled sweetly and looked over at the "Siamese twins," who were, at the moment, trying to push each other away while Poland cheerfully called out the forty-two minute mark. Hungary and Prussia paused and looked at Austria.

"HEY! WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!" they yelled in unison.

Austria chuckled softly. "Annoying is nothing, America. In any case, Maria is actually quite pleasant. I do wonder why she puts up with you."

"HEY! WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!"

"Oh," Prussia said suddenly. "Oh, I get it. Specs was talking about Hungary and America. Yeah, that makes more sense than calling _me_ annoying."

"Excuse me?" Hungary sniggered.

"Yeah, seriously," America laughed. "You're always talking about how awesome you are and getting drunk. That's super annoying."

Prussia fumed. "Well it's better than a damn hero complex! You're the worst!"

"I'm so not annoying!" America whined. "Iggy, am I annoying?"

"Yes," England said.

"You don't mean that!"

"Well," mused Prussia. "You're still better than Liz here. She… Good GOD, woman! Please stop breathing! You're so freaking loud!"

"I am not! Stop humming under your goddamned breath!"

"And when has it ever been necessary to wear that much perfume?"

"About the same time it became necessary to wash your goddamn pits!"

Austria sighed and pushed his glasses further up on his nose.

Hungary paused her Prussia-choking ministrations and glared at Austria. "Oh, I'm sorry, Mister Perfect. Did you want to say something? Or are you too busy stealing girls' underpants and not calling the next day?"

"Pretty sure she'd hunt him down if he didn't…" America said quietly.

Austria coughed. "You make it sound as if that is a hobby of mine."

Hungary folded her arms tightly. "You make it _seem _as if it's a hobby of yours."

"Elizabeta. Not tonight."

"Whoa whoa whoa," Prussia said. "Wait. What happened?"

"None of your business, Gilbert!" Hungary yelled.

"What did you do to Hungary?" America said, eyes flashing.

England sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Oh God. Please not tonight, Alfred. Just stay out of it, for once."

"No, I'm with America," Prussia said. "I hate her guts, but Liz doesn't deserve to be used like that!"

"Listen to how you started that sentence," Canada said quietly to Prussia. "When have good things ever followed that statement?"

"Hey!" America yelled at his younger brother. "If you don't like it, get your own military! One without ponies!"

"Ponies!" Poland shouted happily.

"Seriously," Hungary blushed. "Stay out of it."

"Screw that," Prussia said. "You're almost crying! Specs, what the hell did you do?"

"You like making girls cry?" America fumed at Austria. "Is that fun for you?"

Austria looked at Hungary, annoyed. "Fix this," he said.

"And now you want to boss her around?" Prussia yelled. "No way! I'll kick your ass!"

"I'm with Prussia," America said. They pounded fists and stood up, glaring at Austria.

"Ow!" cried Hungary as she was dragged to her feet by the belt.

"Bruder," Germany sighed. "Sit down. It's not what you think."

"Listen to Holy Rome," Austria said calmly.

Germany snapped his head at Austria. He stood up slowly and walked over to stand with Prussia and America (and Hungary.)

"Did you say something, West?" Prussia said.

"_Nein_, nothing important. Let's blitz him."

"No!" yelled Hungary. "No! No blitzing! No fighting! I'm sorry I said anything!"

"No, _he_ is," America said, jerking his thumb at Austria.

Poland was rolling on his side, laughing. Lithuania, his head knocked unceremoniously to the ground, woke up.

"What's going on?" he said groggily.

Poland struggled to catch his breath between laughing. "Oh… Oh, Liz, haha!"

"Shut up, Feliks!" she shouted.

"Elizabeta," Austria said calmly. "I would appreciate it if you explained what happened."

Hungary blushed.

"I'll tell you what happened," Poland said. "It was, like, right after the divorce, right? So Italy and I took her out drinking."

"Poland," Hungary growled. "I swear to God I will kill you."

"Ve!" Italy chimed in. "Big sister had so much to drink that night! I lost count!"

"You lose count after three," Romano quipped.

"Ve!"

"So we, like, tried to get her home, but Lizzy is totally stubborn when she drinks, so we ended up at Austria's house."

"She woke me up at three in the morning," Austria said. "Stark naked and playing 'Camptown Races' on my piano. Rather badly, I might add."

"I never found my underwear," Hungary added, defeated. "I assumed you stole them."

America and Prussia went silent. They slowly turned to face Hungary, smirking.

"What?" she shot angrily.

"Noooooothing," Prussia grinned.

"You're weird," said America.

"Oh, whatever! You've never-"

"YOINK!" America pulled England to his feet suddenly and crashed their lips together.

"AH!" England yelled, pulling away and blushing. "What the bloody hell was that for?"

"I dunno," America said, surprised at himself. "I just felt this sudden urge to kiss you. Sorry."

"D-don't apologize, git. Just… just warn me next time, okay?"

"Okie doke!" America grabbed England by the shoulders and looked him in the eye. "I'm going to kiss you now. Is that alright?"

England groaned. "Sarcasm makes your butt look fat."

America laughed happily and kissed England's nose. "Well that's just silly, Iggy."

Austria coughed gently. "China," he said. "Truth or dare?"

China gave a little start and rolled his eyes. "Alright, aru. Dare."

Austria looked puzzled for a second. He looked at Prussia. "You're good at this. Any suggestions?"

Prussia's grin looked as if it might split his head in half. "Seriously? Can I?"

"You may _suggest,_" Austria said firmly. "Whether or not I take your advice is my own choice."

"Awesome!" Prussia said. "Okay. How about classic streaking?"

"No nudity. We're in public."

"How about singing?"

"I've heard China sing," America said. "That's not a good idea."

"What that supposed to mean, aru!"

"Oh! I know!" Prussia exclaimed. "Pocky challenge!"

Japan giggled as the rest of the countries looked at Prussia in confusion.

"Ve? What's the pocky challenge?" said Italy.

"Ever seen Lady and the Tramp?" Prussia asked.

Italy smiled widely. "Ve! I love that movie!"

Hungary's eyes widened in recognition and she grinned. "That scene with the spaghetti?"

"Exactly," laughed Prussia. "And whoever turns away first is the loser! Quit drooling, Liz."

Hungary wiped her mouth and scowled.

"That sounds like a good idea," Austria said. "China, I dare you to do the pocky challenge."

"Against who, aru?"

Austria looked around and tried to ignore a freezing dark aura that seemed to suddenly take hold of his soul. He turned around slowly and looked at the sweet and innocent grin of evil attached to Russia.

"H-how about Russia?" Austria stammered.

Russia cocked his head brightly. "Da!"

Japan quietly pulled a box of pocky from his sleeve and gave it to China. "You like strawberry, right?"

"Yes, aru. I can't believe you remember."

Japan smiled and folded his hands in his lap.

"The strawberry end is mine, aru," China said to Russia.

Russia smiled. "Okay."

"Ready?" China placed the pocky in his teeth and Russia did the same.

"Aaaaand," Prussia said. "Go!"

SNAP!

The group jumped at the sudden snap and stared at China, munching away happily at 90% of the pocky. Russia looked disappointed at his end and swallowed it.

"China," Prussia said. "That's not really how you play."

"It's not?"

"No. Try again."

Russia and China placed another piece of pocky between their teeth. Once again, as soon as Prussia said "Go," China's tongue darted out and snapped it.

"No, China," Prussia said patiently. "You're supposed to munch, not snap."

"I am munching, aru!" China snapped. And it was true. He was munching on a good portion of the pocky while Russia frowned, annoyed.

"This time, you have to _munch_ to the middle. Or else you lose."

"Okay, aru. I understand."

Russia and China placed the pocky between their teeth one more time.

"Ready?" Prussia said. "China, are you ready?"

"Yeth, aru!"

"Okay… Go!"

SNAP!

"China!" Prussia yelled.

China smiled and crunched the pocky. "I lose, aru!"

Japan hid a snigger with his hand and China winked at him and put another piece of pocky in his mouth.

"Russia, truth or dare, aru?"

Russia's angry death aura receded slightly. "Truth," he said, slightly annoyed.

China slipped another pocky in his mouth. "No abstaining, aru. There is no closet."

"Da, okay."

"Tell us about your last nightmare, aru."

The nations held their breath and looked at China as if he was insane.

As if to confirm this, Spain leaned over Japan's lap to whisper "Are you insane?"

"What?" China said, annoyed. "What the worst that can happen?"

"I dunno," America said. "How about he sucks our souls out of our ears and forces us to become one with him?"

"Alfred, really," England said. "You're being silly."

"He has a point," Lithuania said, shivering. "He told me a dream once. A _dream._ I didn't sleep for a week."

"Poor baby!" Poland said and hugged Lithuania from behind.

"Well, Russia?" China said impatiently. "Are you going to tell us?"

Russia smiled and hummed for a minute as he thought.

"Da. I had a nightmare last night that my childhood doll came to life and killed everyone I know."

The nations looked at each other. "Isn't… isn't that Child's Play?" America asked.

"Da. I watched it and had a bad dream." Russia smiled. "It was scary."

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Some laughed.

"That wasn't so bad," Prussia grinned. "I had that dream once too."

"Da?" said Russia, surprised. "You did?"

"Sure! That movie freaked me out!"

"Me too," said America.

"And me!" said Canada.

"I thought it was okay," said Japan.

"Da! I'm so relieved!" Russia laughed. "I thought I was the only one who dreamt he was forced to devour his sister's lungs as goblins ripped out my teeth one by one and my red haired doll cut off my skin and stuffed it down my other sister's throat!"

The party went silent. They stared at their hands. Only China seemed unperturbed.

"That's a good one, aru. At least you don't dream your organs fall out of your body during."

"I don't have to," Russia smiled and opened his coat.

There's a peculiar quality about gaping chest wounds that act as a window to a slowly beating heart without bleeding. Namely: they're scary as fuck. Think all the disturbing introspection and accuracy autopsies offer with all the surreal serenity of a man walking around with a pole through his chest.

You simply cannot handle that much scary.

Most of the nations took one look at Russia's heart-hole and had to cover their eyes. America yelped and buried his head in England's chest and England patted his head soothingly, whispering, "It's alright, Alfred… it's not real… it's not real…." Poland grabbed Lithuania's hand in panic. Germany covered Italy's eyes protectively. Japan closed his eyes and paled, shaking like a leaf.

China smiled. "That seem real inconvenient, aru."

"Da, it is," Russia said. "Sometimes it falls out entirely and I have to put it back in perfectly, or else I die."

China threw his head back and laughed out loud. "I like you, aru," he said.

"Da, that is good," Russia smiled. "You will become one with Russia now?"

China simply laughed again.

A shudder coursed through America's spine and he sat up abruptly, startling England.

"I feel a great disturbance in the Force."

"That's nice, Alfred. Stop being a nerd and help me figure out why Flying Mint Bunny just ran away in fear."

**Bleck. Ending is crappy. **

**Here you are, Chocotaku! I think I emphasized too much of the argument and not enough of the RoChu. Lame.**

**Review, ducklings. It brings you nothing but candy and Christmas.**


	16. Prussia and Hungary

**Guys, I really don't know what to say! I'm so happy that you were okay with my vacation, haha! Some of the comments I got actually mean a lot more than I can adequately express without sounding totally gay. Very, very humbling to hear that you guys thought I deserved a break, haha! And usually I'm not a fan of being humble because I'm awesome as hell, but ya'll make it work on me. Thank you so much!**

**I hope the ficlets I posted in the meantime were enough, lol! I had a lot of fun with Starfish and Coffee. Most of it is thinly veiled true story. Just don't even ask. Lol!**

**For some reason I got, like, three separate requests for a Hungary/Prussia chapter. I don't know why, but I like you guys so much imma do the very best I can while still in universe. Poor Mattie!**

**If I owned Hetalia, Prussia would so totally still be a country because of his manly awesome ruggedness and sexy incredible greatness.**

**Prussia is next!**

Russia closed his coat and smiled sweetly at the group, apparently oblivious to their collective horror. "Da," he said. "Little Prussia, truth or dare?"

Prussia was silent. He stared at Russia in terror and bit his lip trying to formulate a decent escape plan. But there were far too many witnesses out here in the parking lot for it to work.

Canada reached for Prussia's hand and squeezed it reassuringly. Prussia looked down at him and tried to smile.

"Yeah, so…" he tried to begin.

"I know," Canada smiled. "No matter what happens, you're King Awesome."

"Promise?"

"Of course!"

Prussia smiled weakly and looked back at Russia. "Okay, truth!"

Russia clicked his tongue and smiled. "That is quite un-awesome, Little Prussia. And after you made such a big deal about Little Austria choosing truth. I think you should change your position, da?"

"I-it's not un-awesome," Prussia stammered.

"But you yourself said that it was the "unmanly" choice. Perhaps you should rethink, da?"

Prussia glared at the ground and mumbled to himself. Hungary rocked in silent laughter.

"Oh my God, Gil," she cried. "You're a woman!"

"SHUT UP! I AM NOT!"

"You totally are! After you gave Roderich all that crap, too! Totally owned, Gil!"

Prussia pushed Hungary and she punched him in the arm. Poland called out the half hour mark and they groaned.

Russia turned to Austria. "What do you think, Little Austria? Should Prussia be allowed to say truth?"

Austria shuddered. "Ordinarily I'd insist he choose dare, but given the circumstances…"

Austria trailed off as a deep, menacing thunder rumbled from Russia's chest. He wasn't sure if Russia was laughing or growling or felling sequoias, but he knew instantly that disagreeing would be unwise.

"Er," he said. "Perhaps… you are right."

"COME ON!"

Russia smiled. "Da, thank you, Little Austria. What do you say, Prussia?"

"I say bullshit!"

"What's that, Gil?" Hungary teased. "I can't hear you over your gigantic ovaries."

"Verdammt, I'm not a woman!"

"Then prove it," Russia said. "Choose dare."

"But-"

"What's the matter, Gilbert?" Hungary snickered. "Not awesome enough to accept a little dare?"

"Oh HELL no!" Prussia roared. "You do NOT tell me I'm not awesome when you broke into your ex-husband's house and blamed him for stealing your clothes!"

"FUCK YOU!" Hungary punched Prussia in the stomach and he rolled on his side and coughed, bringing her down with him.

Russia chuckled softly while Prussia and Hungary choked each other. "Are you ready for your dare?"

"I didn't say dare!"

"Because you're a pretty princess!"

"Shut up, Liz!"

"Just a little dare, Prussia."

"Damn you!"

"Maple…"

"FINE!" Prussia yelled. "Fine! You want awesome? Here's your goddamned awesome! Dare, motherfucker!"

Germany put his hands over Italy's ears and glared at his brother.

Russia smiled. "Da. I dare you… uh… hm."

Prussia rolled his eyes. "After all that, you don't even have a dare in mind."

"Ah!" Russia brightened. "I know! I dare you to kiss someone you hate, da!"

Prussia processed this. "Was?"

"Kiss someone you hate," Russia repeated, cocking his head lightly.

"That's really…" Prussia searched his vocabulary for an accurate, concise word for what he thought it was. "Gay."

"Da? Too little? Then there must be tongue. And this kiss must last a full 120 seconds. If you break, you start over."

"Ew," Prussia grimaced. "You're a frickin voyeur, you know that? Besides, I'm seeing someone, so-"

"Doesn't matter," Russia smiled. "This is the dare and you must complete it. Unless you would like to go behind that tree with Russia, da?"

Prussia looked at Canada, who shrugged. "It's okay. If you don't love them, I'm not worried."

"Cop a feel on them and I break your fingers," America growled protectively of his brother.

"Who do I even hate?" Prussia said, frustrated. "I'm way too awesome to hate anyone!"

"Da," Russia smiled. "I knew you would forgive me!"

"Hell no!"

"Ah. Then perhaps you still hate me? Is that what you are saying?"

"Yea-NEIN!" Prussia stopped himself.

"You must kiss Mother Russia, da?"

"NEIN! Gott, who do I hate? Who do I hate!"

Austria coughed. "Yesterday you said that you hated me."

"OKAY! So can I-"

"Nein."

"Fuck you. Who else do I hate?"

"Two weeks ago," Spain tried to help. "You said you hated my hair? If that counts?"

"Thank you, Toni! That counts, right?"

"I will murder you," growled Romano. "I will murder you and bury your body somewhere no one will ever think to look."

"Sorry, Gil!" Spain cuddled Romano affectionately. Romano hit him.

"Damn it!" Prussia groaned. "Who do I hate?"

Canada waved his hand nervously. "I-if it helps, Gilbert, you can _say_ you hate me."

Prussia kissed him. "Shut up. There's no way."

"B-but-"

"Not even in a million years, Mattie."

Hungary squeed silently and took a mental video. Prussia groaned and turned to face his Siamese twin.

"You're a pervert!"

"I am not!" Hungary blushed.

"You totally are! I'm talking with Matt here and I don't want to worry about being material for whatever it is you do when you're alone!"

"Ve!" grinned Italy. "You mean-"

Germany covered Italy's mouth.

"First off," said Hungary, "ew. Second, as if I'd ever! I can't stand you!"

"I can't stand you either!" Slowly, a look of epiphany dawned on Prussia's face.

Hungary ignored him. "You would have an ego that big. That's why no one likes you, dickball."

"I hate you," Prussia grinned.

"Yeah, I hate you too. I can't believe Germany actually puts up with you. If I were him, I'd totally have kicked you out the second that wall came down."

"I really, really hate you!"

"And blogs, for the record, are super lame."

Prussia smiled evilly. "Liz… I hate you."

"Nice comeback, tard bucket. Why don't you call me when…" Hungary trailed off as comprehension dawned on her face. "Nem. Gilbert, no. You stay the hell away from me!"

Prussia squeezed his eyes shut and smooshed his tightly closed lips against hers. Hungary yelped and clocked him in the jaw.

"What the hell, Gilbert! Get the fuck away from me!"

Prussia pointed to the belts linking their waists. "We're tied together, Liz. Just do this for me, please?"

"Why the fuck would I do that if I hate you?"

"Please, Lizzy? For old time's sake?"

Hungary considered all the times Prussia had helped her out in a scrap when they were kids. Even if he always was a total dick about it, he'd saved her life more times than she could count. And when they got a bit older and she fell for Austria, Prussia had been so protective of her, swearing that Roderich would hurt her over his dead body. He was so sweet about it. And after World War I, when she was forced to live with Russia for half a year, Prussia used to sneak in the house and talk with her when she felt alone and terrified, and they would talk about breaking her out. It was because of Gilbert that she had the chutzpah to escape. And even after Russia caught her again, she was out within a few years while Prussia remained behind. She still felt awful. She still had nightmares about Russia's house, and she was there for a much shorter time. Prussia… if Hungary had one regret, it was not helping her childhood friend after he was torn apart like he had been. Even so…

"No," Hungary said curtly.

"Come ON, Liz!" Prussia shouted. "I'll do anything!"

Hungary paused and considered. "Anything?"

"Yes, just help me out? Please?"

"Alright," Hungary said. "You know what I want."

"Yeah," Prussia nodded sagely. "I know. I don't know if Mattie would be comfortable with us having sex though."

Hungary decked Prussia in the chin as Canada blushed furiously. "Not that, you sick asshole! I mean the diaries!"

Prussia rubbed his chin and glared at her. "Which ones? I awesomely made, like, a hundred."

"I want the ones from when we were kids. And my wedding. And a bit of 1919."

Prussia paused. "Deal. They're yours."

"And all the copies you have lying around."

"What copies? I don't need copies."

"They're in a safe," Germany said coolly. "Behind the largest barrel of beer in our basement."

"West, come on!"

"Okay," Hungary said and spit in her hand. "Promise."

Prussia sighed and spit in his hand too. He grabbed Hungary's hand and rolled his eyes. "I promise."

"Okay," Hungary said, wiping her spit covered hand on Prussia's pant leg. "Let's get this over with. Francis, you have the timer, right?

"Oui, ready and waiting."

"Okay, let's go."

Hungary grabbed Prussia's face and crashed their lips together. They held that position for a bit before they moved to get more comfortable.

Russia tutted. "You must introduce tongue at some point. That was the dare."

Both Hungary and Prussia gave muffled whines of protest and glared at Russia. Prussia caught Canada's eye and tried to convey apology. Canada smiled self-consciously.

"Mrfmree?" Hungary asked without moving her lips.

"Hmyne."

Hungary and Prussia squeezed their eyes shut in disgust and opened their lips. Slowly their tongues met.

"EW!" they both screamed, breaking away. "Ew ew ew ew ew!"

"Matt!" Prussia cried. "I'm sorry!"

"I-it's okay," Canada tried to smile.

"Tastes like betrayal and glitter!"

Hungary smacked him. "Better than delusion and beer!"

"That sounds delicious!"

"Oh dear," Russia interrupted, smiling. "You broke away before the two minutes were up. You must try again."

"Nem!"

"Come on!"

"That is the dare. Prepare yourselves, little ones!"

Hungary and Prussia growled at each other and leapt at each other's mouths. They broke away four seconds later, wiping their lips and scowling.

"You are an awful kisser," Hungary said.

"I'd be better if you weren't so damn aggressive! I know I'm dead sexy, but you don't have to invade like that!"

"Weak-ass Prussian ovary machine!"

"Psycho bitchy Hungarian PMS machine!"

"Twenty three minutes!"

"Shut up, Poland!"

France tapped the timer. "Ready to try again?"

"Gilbert," Hungary snarled. "I swear to God if you fuck this one up I will destroy you."

"What do you want me to do, huh?"

"I want you," Hungary said slowly, "to sit back and do nothing. Okay? Let me take care of this and we can move the hell on."

"No biting."

"No promises."

Hungary grabbed Prussia's face and slowly moved her lips against his. She maneuvered slowly around, trying to waste as much time as humanly possible. She hesitantly licked Prussia's lips and slipped her tongue inside, briefly. She felt him wince.

Francis called off the one minute mark with agonizing slowness and Hungary sighed in exasperation, accidentally deepening the kiss. She nearly pulled away in surprise, but Prussia grabbed her neck and kissed her back, determined not to lose the minute they already had. Hungary bit his tongue in annoyance and set back to dominating. They breathed slowly out of their noses.

"Thirty seconds left," Francis said happily. Canada flashed Prussia a thumbs-up and Prussia had to swallow a chuckle.

Hungary held Prussia's face as the nations counted "Ten… Nine… Eight…"

Hungary finally met Prussia's eyes, which softened in gratitude. Hungary rolled her eyes and blushed as the nations yelled "Three… Two… ONE!" and cheered.

Prussia and Hungary broke away and wiped their mouths, yelling that the other was disgusting and better not look at them for the rest of the night.

"Matt!" Prussia cried and hugged Canada. "I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay," Canada laughed. "It's okay."

Over Prussia's shoulder, he caught Hungary's eye. She brushed the hair out of her face sheepishly and looked away, murmuring an apology to the stranger.

Canada shrugged. "Thanks for not letting Russia do it, I guess."

"Yeah… any time."

Austria stared at her in deep contemplation.

**Phew! I could only fit the one dare OTL. Next time will be better, I promise!**

**Little unintentional triangle there. Let's see where it takes us, shall we? My half-formulated plans never work out well, lol!**

**I have been dubbed Prussia by KagsChann, which, while an incredible honor of greatitude and awesomeness, seems a little awkward in light of this chapter. **

**Again, guys, thank you so, so much for being so incredibly great! I'm gonna do another one of those "comment 100" queen-for-a-day deals at comment 200. Don't worry, you've got 57 to go ATM. **

**Also, totally let me know the second this story overstays its welcome. I'd hate for it to become a chore to read.**

**Love and pandas and dancing!**


	17. Apologies to the Reader

**Oy vey. Sorry, guys. Next chapter'll be pretty late. My whore computer has gonorrhea and I have to send her off to the computer hospital. For some reason I feel like Iggy speak to describe the situation, so "bugger." **

**It's rubbish, because I was halfway done with the next chapter and now I have to retype it in a week when the SlutiTron comes back. Bollocks. (Note to self: quit watching Doctor Who before you talk to people.)**

**About the story: In-universe, it's about 2 am. Meaning, everyone is tired and should be getting to sleep soon. There's a couple different ways I can go about this. 1) Everyone has a slumber party and wakes up tomorrow and does something together. I dislike this one because it feels like jumping the shark and makes it seem like no one has a job. 2) We can send everyone off to bed and end the story. I may do a couple spin-offs or oneshotes that remain in-universe to thank everyone for coming along. Or, 3) the world blows up and Daleks take over. For obvious reasons, I dislike this option.**

**Please let me know what you think.**

**OH! And if you could settle a debate, that would be lovely! My friend and I can't seem to agree, mostly because I'm right. Lol! But for a human, which is a more ridiculous name? Ludwig or Gilbert? Like, all other things equal, who would you laugh at more? Just out of curiosity, I'm not suggesting the German bros are ridiculous- I'm jewish, that would be suicide. Lol!**

**Sorry, everyone. I really am. :(**


	18. The End

**Dear LORD! I just couldn't get lucky with this one! I'm so sorry about how late it is. SlutBot isn't back from the shop yet, but I got sick of making everyone wait so I went to the library. People don't like me there anymore.**

**Seriously, I was half done when Slutbot crashed and now my Word is dead forever. Then I did it again when the power went out a few days ago and I forgot to save it. Then I didn't save it because it was a public computer, so that didn't work well. Finally, I just typed the whole damn thing on an old FF document. Apparently that worked.**

**Oh, and I met my roommate for the year. She's British. Dead serious. And a dork. And this year is going to rule. **

**Guys, I just want to say how wonderful this has been :) I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone who's stuck through with this since the beginning and everyone who's read it since. I love you guys, seriously, and I feel all warm and gushy inside. I want to hug each and every one of you and give you panda cuddles and licorice!**

**If I owned Hetalia it would still be in America, dammit!**

The nations cheered loudly and clapped for Prussia and Hungary. Prussia boasted loudly about his awesome fortitude and endurance and the Bad Touch Trio laughed with Canada. Hungary blushed silently.

Austria caught her eye and nodded pointedly at Prussia. Hungary scowled and shook her head. Austria blew a nonexistent strand of hair from his face, which is the prat equivalent of an eyeroll. Hungary cracked her knuckles at him.

Meanwhile, the nations slowly quieted as a group of policemen by the building doors turned and watched them. Alfred and China gulped, silently praying there wasn't enough evidence to pin anything concrete on them, and if there was, the other would be pinned harder.

"Alfred?" England whispered. "You're crushing my hand."

"Sorry!" America let go of England's hand and wiped his sweaty palm on his jeans.

Slowly, one of the policemen broke away from the group and walked toward the nations. Everyone held their breath until they saw who it was. Then they panicked.

The blond man stopped in front of the party and scowled. He glared at them silently and everyone felt their very souls burn under the scrutiny. Italy whimpered a little in his sleep.

Finally, Switzerland spoke. 'Do you know what time it is?"

Some of the nations mumbled incoherently. Japan bowed his head and blushed. "Two in the morning, Vash-san."

Switzerland nodded lightly and scowled harder. "Two AM. Now, can anyone tell me what I would rather be doing at two AM than keeping you idiots out of jail?"

Prussia opened his mouth to answer, but Germany placed his had over his brother's mouth before anything stupid came out.

Switerland ignored the Germans. "I would rather be sleeping. Or watching the news. Or putting together my presentation for our meeting on Monday. But if you asked me for a list of things I want to do at two in the morning, keeping America and China out of jail is somewhere under appendectomy. At least I'd be asleep for that."

"But I didn't do anything!" America protested.

"Look at my face," Switzerland snapped. "Does this look like the face of someone who_ cares_ whether or not you tried to burn down an apartment building?"

America and China shook their heads sheepishly and conceded that no, Switzerland's face was not the face of someone who cared who was at fault.

"This is the face," Swizerland said with insane calm, "of someone who will shoot both of you the next time I get a call at one in the morning to drive half an hour to convince the local police not to arrest a couple idiots that really ought to know better."

"Sorry, Switzerland," America murmured. China bowed his head in apology.

"It certainly won't happen again," Austria said.

"And thank you very much," England said. "We owe you."

"Just get some sleep," Switzerland sighed, turning away. "If Monday is a waste of my time, I will shoot all of you in the face."

The nations sat in silence as the hordes of people from the building stood up and stretched, heading back to their cozy, unburnt beds.

Poland yawned loudly. "Omigawd, I'm totally tired!"

"Then stop putting exclamation points in your sentences," Lithuania smiled softly.

England yawned. "I'm ready to sleep."

"I don't wanna drive," Spain whined. Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Alright," America yawned. "Crash here. Iggy and I call bedroom."

"Where's everyone else supposed to sleep?" England said.

"Haven't you ever been to college?"

"Liet and I call couch!" Poland grinned tiredly.

"That's the spirit," America grinned.

The nations stood up and stretched out. Germany carried a snoring Italy gently over his shoulder. Spain had to position a snoozing Romano piggy back. They all walked back upstairs to America's apartment.

Once they got in the door, America headed to his bedroom. He reemerged carrying every pillow and blanket from his bed and linen closet. Wordlessly, he took England's hand as the nations distributed the goods and led him to the bedroom.

The bed was bare except the fitted sheet and a loose sheet. America stripped off his shirt and pants and England smiled and did the same.

"Hope you don't mind sleeping without a pillow," America said and crawled under the sheet.

"Not at all," England said, climbing into bed. He rested his head on America's chest and closed his eyes, listening to the stong, steady rhythm of America's heart.

America entwined his fingers with England's. "Some party, huh?"

England smiled. "Oh, I don't know. I had fun."

"Even with the whole almost burning the building down thing?"

England puffed out his cheeks. "That cake smelled delicious, too."

"This is why you're never allowed to cook in my apartment. Because you say things like that that make me worry about your perception of 'cooked.'"

"Yankee moron."

"Limey jerk."

They kissed each other and fell asleep.

...

Poland grabbed the plushest blanket from America's pile and pulled Lithuania to the couch.

"Lay down, Liet," Poland instructed. Poland climbed on top of Lithuania and pulled the blanket over them.

Lithuania blushed as Poland buried his face in his chest. "Uh... Feliks? What are you doing?"

"Snuggling, dummy. What's it look like?"

Lithuania didn't answer that as Poland twined his legs with his own.

After a while, Lithuania realized that Poland's eyes were still open and he was glaring at the floor.

"Poland?"

"I feel like a jerk," Poland murmured.

Lithuania brushed Poland's hair out of his face. "What? Why?"

"Because," Poland whispered so he wouldn't wake anybody. "You know everything about me and I don't know everything about you."

Lithuania smiled and rubbed Poland's back. "It's okay, it's not a big deal."

"It totally is! Liet, you need to start telling me stories about yourself so I can learn everything about you!"

"Feliks," Lithuania sighed. "It doesn't matter how much I tell you. You never pay attention anyway."

"What? I totally do!"

"No you don't. But it's okay, I think it's adorable."

Poland blushed. "Well, I'm paying attention now! Tell me a story!"

"Are you sure?" Lithuania frowned.

"Yes! Tell me a story I haven't heard before!"

"I can't think of any interesting ones..."

Poland kissed Lithuania. "It's about you, so I'll definitely be interested."

"Really?"

"Really!"

"Okay," Lithuania smiled. "When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named... Poland?"

Poland snored loudly in response and Lithuania smiled and kissed his sleeping boyfriend's forehead.

...

"Look," Canada said patiently. "All I'm saying is that you've been drinking a lot and you haven't slept in a while."

"I'm fine," Prussia scowled. "I don't want to go to sleep!" Hungary, still tied to Prussia's waist, rolled her eyes.

"Fine," Canada sighed. "Then _I'm_ tired. Will you lay down with me?"

"Ha! You need my awesomeness as a pillow, don't you?"

"Yes I do. Anywhere on the floor is fine."

Prussia sat down right where he was, bringing Hungary down with him.

"Watch it," Hungary yelped as she fell.

"Shut up, Liz. I'm staying up for the next fifteen minutes just to make sure we get unbuckled."

"Good, me too! You're so irresponsible, you _would_ forget."

"How could I? You're a freaking furnace, who could sleep next to that?"

"Asshole."

"Pervert."

Canada sighed and pushed Prussia to lay on the ground and laid his head on his pale chest. Prussia smiled happily and wrapped his arms around Canada. His eyes closed in contentment and he sighed.

Hungary rolled her eyes and opened her phone to play Tetris and watch the time. Twelve minutes.

She lost. Ten minutes.

She lost. Nine minutes.

She lost. Nine minutes again.

Hungary groaned and watched the clock on her phone tick slowly away. She snuck a peek at her hip. Prussia, despite his declarations of awesome, was already sleeping, his face buried in Canada's hair. Their arms were wrapped around each other.

Prussia kicked a little in his sleep and Hungary smiled. She remembered that well. When they were kids, she used to beat Prussia up for kicking and waking her. For some reason, she'd thought he'd grow out of that. Absently, Hungary wondered what other habits he'd kept from when he was a kid.

Suddenly, her phone buzzed. Hungary's heart skipped a beat and she let out a startled "Yeep!", making Prussia kick again.

Hungary placed her hand on her heart to slow the surging beat and opened the text.

It was from Austria.

-Elizabeta, go to sleep.-

Hungary looked at Austria, sitting against a wall. He looked at her and saluted her with his phone.

Hungary typed back.

-Says mister 'I-don't-sleep-at-parties-until-I-know-everyone-else-is-very-very-asleep.-

-You know perfectly well why I don't sleep while anyone else is awake.-

-I know. Best Halloween party ever!-

Austria sighed when he opened the text.

-Just go to sleep.-

-I can't,- Hungary typed. -I need to wait to untie myself from moron.-

-I know what you say you need to do, and I know what you want to do. Go to sleep, Gilbert can hardly blame you if he fell asleep first.-

Hungary paused and looked up at Austria. He stared at her and she blushed, embarrassed, frustrated, hopeless tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. She looked down at Prussia in annoyance.

Prussia murmured in German in his sleep and Hungary smiled despite herself. Yes. Even though he was obnoxious and loud and stupid and annoying and with somebody else...

And with somebody else.

Hungary pressed the corners of her eyes to stop herself from crying. She hated Prussia. Because he was stupid. Because he was a jerk. Because more than anything in the world, she wanted to sleep right here on this freezing, dirty wooden floor without the comfort of a blanket or pillow tied in an awkward position to the universe's biggest idiot.

Hungary smiled at Austria. "Thank you," she mouthed. Austria shrugged and Hungary motioned for him to come sleep next to her. Austria moved to lay down next to his ex wife.

Austria glanced at the time on his phone. "It's been an hour," he whispered.

"I'm asleep," Hungary said.

Austria smiled. "Yes you are."

...

The bathtub was cold and hard, but it would do. Spain laid in first so his body would be at least a little bit of a cushion for Romano. Romano, by the way, slept the entire time Spain moved him around on his chest to try to get the most comfortable position for the both of them.

Italians sleep like the dead.

When Spain finally managed to wrap his arms around Romano without hurting himself, he sighed in relief and smiled. In response, Romano stretched out his legs.

Spain chuckled and kissed Romano's forehead. "_Te amo_," he whispered.

"What did you say?" Romano shot off Spain's chest, slamming his back into the shower control bit. Romano yelped in pain and Spain yelped in shock as the showerhead sprayed them both with freezing water.

"GAH! Romano, turn it off!"

Romano fumbled around, but he was still in his "just woke up" state of drunken uncoordination and ended up slamming his head into the bit. He yelped again and held his forehead.

The water was freezing as Spain pulled Romano's face in and inspected the small cut and rising bruise. "Crap, I'm sorry, Romano. Are you okay?"

"What did you say?" Romano said, muffled with Spain's warm hands smooshing his cheeks.

"I asked if you were okay. It doesn't look too bad." They had to speak loudly to hear each other over the roar of the water.

"No," Romano said gruffly as he was pulled into the cold shower of water to rinse the blood from his head. "What did you say before that?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Before _that_."

Spain thought for a second. "'Goodness, Lovi, you sleep like a dead person?'"

Romano groaned. "After that."

Spain blushed. "Oh. I'm sorry, I thought you were asleep."

Romano glared at Spain through the water. "Do you always say you love me when I'm asleep?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

Romano grew red and glared at his hands. Spain brushed Romano's wet hair out of his cut and kissed it.

As Spain pulled away, Romano grabbed his hand and kept it on his face. Spain jumped in surprise and looked at Romano.

"Lovino?"

Romano said nothing, but he brought Spain's palm to his lips. The shower barraged them, but they ignored it.

"Lovino?"

"_Ti amo, bastardo_."

Spain paused. "What?"

"I'm not saying it again, asshole."

Spain smiled. "But you said it."

"Shut up."

"You said you love me!"

"Shut up!"

"Lovi, this is wonderful! I have to go tell Francis!"

Romano grabbed the front of Spain's soaked shirt. "You're not telling anyone, idiot! That's not the sort of thing you go around and tell people!"

Spain held Romano's face in his hands and pressed his forehead against the Italian's. "But I'm so happy," he murmured.

Romano's head spun as Spain's soft, warm lips met his own. Spain kissed him gently, almost timidly, as if the slightest bit of eagerness would scare Romano off. The water, warm now, ran down their bodies and made them slippery.

Romano pulled away and breathed. Spain pushed the wet hair out of his face and smiled.

"You're cute when you're in love."

"Shut up. I am not."

Spain smiled and kissed him again. This time, Romano kissed back and Spain giggled in happiness.

They broke away and Spain turned the shower off behind Romano's head.

Romano sighed. "You knew?"

Spain kissed Romano's ear. "Of course I knew. Wait, what are we talking about?"

"Nothing. We're all wet."

Spain smiled and pulled Romano's shirt over his head. "Yes we are."

"Sorry."

"Who cares?" Spain shrugged.

"Don't try anything. That's the only warning you get."

Spain took off his own shirt and shook his head, spattering the wall with water. He smiled. "Don't worry, _tomate_, I will protect you from the fiendish perverted clutches of-"

"You?"

Spain thought for a second. "Be nice. It's too late to make sense."

Romano rolled his eyes and curled up on Spain's chest.

...

A couple hours later, the sun seeped through the blinds in America's bedroom. England stirred and turned away from the evil light. He was surprised to find America's peaceful face dozing next to him when he remembered last night.

England smiled. "Best game ever," he murmured and kissed America gently.

England lifted America's arm and quietly crawled out of bed. He found his clothes and slipped them on.

"You'd better not be thinking of making breakfast," America's groggy voice grumbled at his back.

"Relax," England whispered. "I'm just going to make a pot of coffee."

"Do you know how?"

"It's the machine, right? With the digital settings and all?"

"Yes," America said. "Do you know how?"

"Smartass," England groaned. He stepped gingerly out of the bedroom and tiptoed to the living room. He stopped and smiled.

Poland had pushed Lithuania half off the couch and snored loudly. France was curled in the armchair. Italy was naked, for some reason, sleeping heavily on the loveseat. His fingers rested on Germany's chest. Germany had apparently fallen asleep on the floor next to the sofa. Russia sat with his eyes closed, back straight against the wall and legs folded. A ghost of a smile played with his lips.

In a corner, China slept on his side, facing Japan. Japan lay with his hands folded on his chest, eerily still. Nearby, Hungary and Prussia were still tied together, sleeping back to back. Prussia was snuggled with some blond dude with skewed glasses. Hungary faced Austria, fingers curled around her phone. Austria snored a little and England suppressed a giggle.

England walked into the kitchen and smiled. He scooped some ground coffee beans into the filter and pressed the button.

...

"I'm _sorry_, okay?"

The entire apartment building stood outside again and waited for the firemen to clear the building.

"Who the hell forgets to put water in the coffee machine?" America yelled.

"I'm sorry!" England shouted.

America kissed him roughly. "Switzerland is gonna kick my ass."

"Yes I am," came the voice behind America.

**Thank you so much for reading! I love you! Many times forever!**


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